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 Review #4653898 |
 | The Map (March Prompt)  [13+] A guy from the future dropped in the wild west leading an Oregon Wagon Train.  |
| (3.5)| A  ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression Oh, how interesting! A time traveler from the future ends up in the 1880s on the Oregon Trail!  What a great idea.  I can't wait to find out what happens next! And please, do not be discouraged by my suggestions below. I'm only trying to be helpful. I love the storyline!Thoughts/Suggestions  In your opening paragraph, you have three sentences in a row that end with an exclamation point.  I am SO guilty of overusing exclamation points, too!   It probably means we are enthusiastic people, right? Anyway, here's one example of what you have and what you might consider:How in the world did this happen! One minute I was standing in the Galloway Stables in Missouri looking for a horse to take out on a trail ride! Now I am in the middle of a Wagon Train heading to Oregon!  How in the world did this happen? One minute I was standing in the Galloway Stables in Missouri looking for a horse to take out on a trail ride and the next minute, I'm in the middle of a Wagon Train heading to Oregon! "Hey John", "Hey, John!" Okay, okay, I know you are thinking about what I just warned you about...too many exclamation points.  But it works here, as the older man is calling out John's name. But if you'd rather use a comma, just make sure it's on the inside of the quotation mark. I am thinking, "How did he know my name?" First off, you've switched tenses here. You could always just put the thought in italics. How did he know my name?an and and who are you? (don't forget your ending quotation mark here) and who are you?" The man looked at him, judging by the way he was looking at me, he probably thought I had lost my marbles. Hmm...a little confusing. Did you mean...The man looked at him, Judging by the way he was looking at me, he probably thought I had lost my marbles. "Son, I do you not remember?" "Son, do you not remember?" it looked like you are headed where we are headed, it look[s] like you are headed where we are headed,It looked to be a three of 4 days ride to the X that was marked on the map. It looked to be a three or four day ride to the X that was marked on the map. Be consistent with your single-digit numbers, one way or the other. Here's a link that might interest you: https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/grammar-rules-and-tips/rules-for-writing-numb... Enough nit-picking on my part. You get the gist, I'm sure. You'll just need to read through your chapter and catch those pesky little typos. Favorite As I thought back, the last thing I remember was I was walking thru the barn and saw the map lying on the ground in a pile of hay. I bent down to pick it up and when I did everything went black. Maybe it was some sort of Magical Map. My thoughts went back to Laura. I sighed, maybe all my experience as an intern at Centerpoint Medical Center will help save some of the lives on this Wagon train. Summing it up...  While technical issues are important to correct, it's the storyline, character development, and setting that make the piece compelling, and of course...the goal. You've definitely established the goal—to return to Galloway Stables in Missouri, in modern day times. But oh, think of the obstacles and challenges that will arise along the way! You have a good start to a promising story underway. Best of luck in the contest! Be sure not to edit before the winners are announced! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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