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 Review #4651528 |
 | If I Should Die Before I Wake  [18+] Anastasia has always known the day of her death. That day has arrived.  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good day to you, the word witch , and I hope it finds you well. It's Friday, which means the Blimp is on the prowl in search of someone to antagonize with one of my infamous reviews.Got your attention? Good. Now, the serious part. I am certainly no one to be telling anyone how to write, having myself managed to successfully avoid fame and fortune for over sixty years, but I flatter myself that I have learned a thing or two in my decades of chasing the dream. Given that it is alleged to be understood by all that reviewing is a major part of the WdC experience, I'm taking that as my license to offer my opinion. And make no mistake, it is nothing but an opinion for you to use or discard as you wish. My reviews are thorough and honest, and while I hope we can be friends afterward, my greater hope is that you become a better writer as a result of our having crossed paths. For the record, I am an occasional hobbyist writer of fantasy, horror, and steampunk (hence my handle) who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres; I have, in fact, been recently nominated for a Quill Award for reviewing. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me offer a couple of suggestions first and then we'll get started. Number one, you've dropped several F-bombs throughout this story. That's perfectly fine, but you need to set your rating to at least 18+. I know, most 13-year olds know more cuss words than I learned in the navy, but the rules are strict, and it can be embarrassing and maddening all at once when a moderator changes your rating and gives you a dressing down over your questionable morals; personal experience there, and not my best day. Learn from my mistake. Second, you'll get much more personalized reviews if you put a little background information about your writing experience in your bio. I'm guessing from some clues you've given that you're female, but I don't know whether you're young or old, novice or experienced, or anything else I might be able to use to give you some more tailored and useful advice. Still, I'll do my best. So, let's get this party started... THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Off to a ripping good start here. Paragraphs are clear and indented just the way I like them. This story covers a whole day in the heroine's life, and conventional wisdom says there should be some scene dividers in there, but you've structured it in such a way that it doesn't actually need any, and that's brilliant.You've used the default font provided, and it's bad form to assess a penalty for that, but I will offer a suggestion. The default font is a tiny version of Arial which, in a story of this length, looks like nothing so much as the fine print in a used car contract. There are a number of ways to perk up your text – this review is in 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 line-space setting, for example – but the easiest way to make Arial much more attractive is to place the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of the text. If you decide you don't like it, just remove the command, and it will revert to its original form. STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful.  When I begin a review, and I've done a couple of them, I generally know what my rating is going to be before I start. In this case I don't. I'm still working it out, and what you read here will be in large part a conversation with myself as I try to get to that all-important number. That fact, coupled with the improperly rated F-bombs make me like you as an author. It gives me the view that you have a bit of the rebellious in you, and conventional, conservative authors rarely do anything noteworthy. So, carry on!As to the story itself, it gave me some confusion. The title, Mary Sue, made me think I would be reading a parody of one of those asinine characters that appear in fan-fiction. You know them; a teenage girl in a Star Trek story, for example, who's smarter than Spock, makes a medical diagnosis that McCoy has overlooked, shows Scotty how to rewire the engines to gain a couple of warp factors, and succeeds in bringing Kirk to the altar. All based on the author, of course! So I went in looking for this, and encountered some confusion because I didn't find it. That's your fault because of the title you chose. I also found it tricky to follow the rotating cast of "guardian angels" alternately helping and threatening our heroine; that's my fault as the reader, and while all became clear in the end, I caused myself some issues by trying to work out who the good guy was instead of just going with the flow. The whole point of the story is that we don't know... and we still don't know at the end. I like it, but I'm going to pull a half-star because of the confusion engendered by the title. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. Not gonna lie, I always dread this section because in a piece of this length there are often a dozen or more items to list under the headings, "change this," "fix this," "correct this typo," and so on. There are a couple of paragraphs that I would have constructed differently, but there is nothing I see that is obviously wrong, and I'm going to give you the rare and coveted full star in this category. Great job of editing and proofreading!CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Let's begin with your heroine. She is fabulous, not because of who she it, but of what she knows. I can't imagine knowing with certainty the day of my death, and I can't imagine how I would react to that knowledge. Ana being a bit of a hellraiser seems realistic, as she tries to cram a whole life into sixteen years. Loving her "what the hell" attitude toward all this.Her mother is a great badass "mother bear" character, and reacts to threats to her child in the way I would expect from my wife. A technical note: shotguns usually fire a blast of lead balls of various size and number. They can also fire a single, solid projectile similar to a bullet, but that is called a slug. The competing guardian angels provide most of the comedy in a Three Stooges, "why you, I oughtta..." sort of way. My confusion aside, they enrich the story in the way a serious, traditional heroic character wouldn't. Great work on all of these. SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Your settings are simple, a school, a cemetery, a home; we all know what those things look like, and you don't need the pages and pages of description to get them across. This leaves you free to concentrate on the story, which you do very well. I found it easy to visualize every location, and was never left wondering what any of the surroundings looked like. SUMMARY: And there you have my words of "wisdom." I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. I thank you for sharing and exposing your work to the whims of public opinion, and I wish you a thrilling journey to wherever your writing takes you.** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** The curious may follow my antics at "Invalid Item" — Serious writers may visit a group that comes with occasional deep conversation, and a spiffy contest featuring unusual and valuable prizes. Our forum, linked below, is open access, and if you like what you see, contact me, Richard ~ Merry, Merry  , T.J.Gunn  , or Sumojo  to be welcomed to the fold.
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/21/2022 @ 2:40pm EDT