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Review #4649385
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by A Guest Visitor
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hallo!
I received this as a Review Request. It is the prologue of a story in the genres Action/Adventure, Dark, Fantasy.

I'd suggest a capital 'G' for 'Gods' in the title.

For the layout, I'd suggest font, size and line spacing to make it easier to read.

Overall impression:
There seems to be potential here. You have some basic ideas, of a human turning into a vampire in early life, and being able to sense auras and to morph. You have some intriguing lines like 'is it home?', which gave me some insight into the character.

The writing itself needs a lot of work. You need to check your punctuation, tenses, spaces and capital letters.

Also, the whole thing felt very rushed. It's a sort of mix of feeling, description, background all thrown together in a confusing heap. It involves a lot of 'telling' and very little 'showing'. It left me quite confused and maybe a bit disturbed.

Like I said, it has potential, and maybe if worked on it would leave the reader curious.

Some of the specific issues I noticed:
1. his body, sucking his teeth, - FULLSTOP after 'body'.
2. was blabbering some curse - 'had been blabbering'.
3. Who had had enough blood and didn't need more blood suckers? That sentence is confusing and needs punctuation.
4. Feeling the pride, - 'Proudly'
5. I didn't understand 'living mundane'.
6. Jasper never knew - 'hadn't known'
7. or about to walkers of - no need for 'to'.
8. and think about the people that accommidate - 'thought'; 'accommodated'
9. they knew nothing about what's happening right now, he smile - punctuate if it's his thought; 'smiled'.
10. there are other shadow - there were
11. summon - summoned
12. of a bat, then off he went all the way to the sky, - this sentence is too long.

Hope this review helps you!

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 02/28/2022 @ 1:51pm EST
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