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 Review #4649013 |
| A   ReviewMy reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. First Impression Action packed!  You've set the stage in this first chapter, leaving readers curious with what will happen next. Will the entire crew be eaten? Or will one survive? Who will the sea monster attack next? And so much more. Intriguing, for sure.  Thoughts/Suggestions His hunger now drove him to look for food moving through the dark desert of the ocean deep he swallowed jellyfish and giant squid but these were not enough, he looked up into the blue above and rose to waters with more life. You might consider breaking up this long sentence. Here's one example: His hunger now drove him to look for food moving through the dark desert of the ocean deep. He swallowed jellyfish and giant squid, but these were not enough so he looked up into the blue above and rose to waters with more life. and swallowed these restoring himself as  and swallowed these, restoring himself as What! What? (You could also include the exclamation point, if you like.)We have ourselves a bonafide sea monster guys. We have ourselves a bona fide sea monster, guys. It had a head like a dragon of the myths of old. It had scaly skin that looked more like thick plate mail. It was blue with strong arms, much smaller than its body, You might consider showing more instead of telling. Also, this paragraph includes six sentences that begin with the word It.  You have a few other areas that need commas and perhaps a few run-on sentences. Otherwise, your spelling is good and you tell a good tale! Please be sure to not make any corrections till the winners are announced. Favorites The Captain turned to the Communications Officer and yelled, "Broadcast what you just saw, to whoever will listen!" (This is a great visual!) Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 03/01/2022 @ 1:17am EST