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 Review #4647857 |
| (4.0)  Greetings Vaishali. I am happy to celebrate You with a review on behalf of  In affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Personal Impression Wow! What a challenge to write about the goddess! You have so many good details that show who she is and I like how you wait to the end to reveal her specialness even though you give us hints to her perfection like "exceptionally well and " too gracefully".  Cool!  Tone and Mood I really get a sense of the time and place in the description as well as how the family works in this culture.  The vibe is uplifting even while speaking of the trials of raising sons. I like how she finds them humorous in a knowing way. Rhyme, Form and FlowThe use of this structure is effective for the theme and details needed in what I would call a story poem. Using clear sentences and factual information as you tell the tale is necessary to reveal the personage you write about. The flow is not so strict but appropriate for the form and information you convey. Word choice is effective as they reflect the culture. eg. "mayya", the names, the work they do etc. You did a good job on the rhyme scheme with only one glitch. (bow, show) The images of Yashoda are vivid and I could see her as a good mother having to deal with so much. It is not easy to deal with a naughty kid and keep on doing duties! I think you show her as an example for parents and how strong and capable a woman is...when sometimes it is not seen in some places.  Grammar and Punctuation The poem tells a story and I realize that English is not a first language. It is amazing when folks can write in another language as well. You did a great job and I understood the work. For edification, I noticed some glitches in tense and minor typos I will outline here should you desire to consider.   Verse 1line 2: tighten "And she" to "who" for better flow and less words. line 3 : "risk her life", needs to be "risks"  verse 3 line 2: "his complains" needs to be "complaints". I was wondering why he was complaining about him stealing and breaking things. Is that the word you want. Just a confusion to me. Or Wait... is it that "she often receives complaints ..that he..." That sounds more like what you are saying. ( as she is a goddess who hears the world) Got it! line 4 : "have broken" I think needs to be "had broken"  Verse 4 line 1 :"asks" should be past tense too..."asked" Verse 5: line 1 : "His" needs to be "Her" as you speak of a mom. Maybe "replies" should be "replied" as you are speaking in past tense. Line 2: You need the word "more" before "beautiful" for the line to make sense. Nice comparison.  Verse 6: Line 1 :You need past tense for "laughs" >>"laughed  Verse 7: Line 4 : "bow" needs to be "bows" to make sense though it does not rhyme with "show". It happens. Also this line "She gets the pleasure that is most sweet in the world" may flow and sound better as "She gets the sweetest pleasure in the world,"  Verse 8: Line 3: " whom we dedicate Psalm" needs to be "to whom..." and should "psalm" be plural as in more than one psalm."Her sons" could be tightened to "They" to prevent repeating "sons" again so close together. The language reflects a story poem so punctuation assists the work. I would look to see if you have periods after each complete thought as I notice some missing. It is better to be consistent in punctuation. I think a comma would work after "products" in line 1 verse 2.  Your addition of dialogue adds interest and drama and use of quotations was effective. It was easy to see who was speaking. Emotional ImpactI could sense the respectful feeling the poet has for Yashoda and her sons. There is a clear picture that feels inspiring and I felt that one could look to this goddess for assistance with naughty children, using a bit of humour and understanding to correct.  I was a bit surprised as the sons are honoured as well in psalm. A wonderful way to reveal the god nature of your characters at the end. LOL I am sure there is more to the story of those boys. I love the innocence of them as young ones though. So sweet while learning. Thank you for sharing your vision. I can imagine it took some effort and time to complete. I find it a challenge to capture such themes in a poem form. Good for you!Adding a note about some of the background and words that we may not be familiar with was a convenient help! Interesting too.  Write on in your unique voice! eyestar
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You responded to this review 02/21/2022 @ 1:41pm EST