*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4617903
Review #4617903
Viewing a review of:
 Daphne  [13+]
What's in a Name?
by Hatsuda
Review of Daphne  
Review by Annette
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is a "The WDC Angel Army review.

Hello Hatsuda


What a sweet, romantic, mystical story. Lee's mathematical mind and shyness is well described in the beginning of the story. Your descriptions of the area around the pond are vivid and full of colors. Same at the end when he meets the fairy Daphne for the second time. Her tree and Daphne herself are present for the reader.
I like how you made it even more mystical with the two Daphnes and the story of his girlfriend's name.

As I read through, I came across a few things for you to look at if you want:

*Bullet* the large pond that his work complex surrounded *Right* This one reads a little strange. It's not 100% clear whether the pond surrounds the work complex like a moat or if the pond is at the center of the complex. Maybe have a look at this to make it more obvious upon first read.
*Bullet* his favorite clump of grass *Right* how about: patch of grass
*Bullet* purging the days pressures from his soul *Right* day's - you need the apostrophe to make it possessive instead of plural
*Bullet* Two Daphne’s *Right* this time it should say Daphnes for plural

Annette
Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4617903