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Review #4616389
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Review by Annette
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Rated: | (4.0)
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What a first chapter. This chapter opened up more questions than it answered. Like what does Alysia need to be protected from? Why are they not consummating the marriage? That is good for a first chapter for sure. Makes me want to find out how it all fits together. You might consider raising the rating for the story from E to at least 13+ or possibly 18+. Popping the cherry is not exactly E rated. *Wink*

There is one time where you could make it a little more clear who is speaking.
The paragraph started with Cliff and was in his point of view, and then the following lines were a little hard to follow. I thought Cliff was talking to Bridget because the paragraph had mentioned him and he is mentioned right after "Bridget ..." Next, I realize it was Alysia calling out.

"Bridget! How are you this evening?" He snapped out of his memory.
"Alysia, I'm doing well.


If you still plan on working more on this, also check out a few smaller editing things.

"Cliff and Alysia gathered their things and strolled hand in hand *Left* no quote needed in front of this sentence.
"You can be a bit reckless at times." He playfully stated. *Left* comma after times as the next part is the speech tag.
"I don't know why." she finally answered. *Left* comma after why - speech tag again

Very rich first chapter. Full of action, mystery, and suspence. I hope you keep writing this.

Annette
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