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 Review #4615472 |
 | What We Became - Ch 1  [13+] Fresh off of his probationary period, Clyde is told to select a partner  |
| (4.0)| The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Title and Author: What We Became - Ch 1 by Doublecat In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words My Impressions as I read Editing Suggestions Plot:: We learn early in the story Clyde has been a homicide detective for two years. To learn the ropes he has been paired with another detective who is about to retire. The chief has now told him he needs to choose one of the women in the department for his next partner. Hook: Pre-existing problem is set in motion almost immediately, the disappearance of his brother and sisters. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The opening sentences and paragraphs, quickly set the scene and draw us in to find out if Clyde will eventually find out what happened to his siblings. I am hoping this is not just a smokescreen to draw the reader forward. If it is you are going to have disillusioned readers who will eventually give up on the story, before reaching the end. Characters Development: Clyde is a believable character. We still don’t know much about him, only what he has told us, in his mental dialogue. Dialogue: Most of the dialogue is mental. The little bit that is not is well done. There is no problem knowing who is talking at any given time. Punctuation and Structure: I have listed the line-by-line suggestions below. Generally, your punctuation and paragraph structure is sound. I would suggest you have smaller paragraphs in a couple of places. Readers tend to look at the long ones and start thinking they are going to get bogged down. You want to keep them moving through your story. Closing Statement This is going to be a good story. There is a good setup to possible roads you can take in future chapters. Although I have been writing for a lot of years I am still learning also. One of my problems is how to Showing versus Telling. You should look into this also. I have been told over and over I have a long way to go if figuring this out also. In July I start another class on WDC concerning this subject. You write using the same technique I do most of the time. You want to set the stage so you tell everyone what is happening to everyone and the scenery. While this is not bad, I’ve also been told you show what is happening by the actions of the characters. When you get a chance look into it. Thank you for posting. I would be interested in reading more as you proceed. Starling ------------------------------- .... I had to figure it out on my own. I would break this into a new paragraph at this point. Even if you don’t do it here, this long paragraph needs to be broken up somewhere. Don’t know if this will help, but I take a breath and start reading. When I hit a point I need another breath, I know I need to divide the paragraph somewhere close to that point. It turned out I had a knack for it. Some of the crime scene guys were confused when the new guy took the… … Word got out that I'd handled things relatively well on my own. Soon I'd be set up with a new partner, Suggestion: … relatively well on my own and soon I’d be set up… … "Clyde," he said. "Clyde Bannon." I wouldn’t repeat his name. Sounds here like the chief is asking if he has the right person. Maybe he could ask if Clyde had a moment to talk with him. … In the fifth paragraph, you mention the area is called the bullpen. Latter you explain what it looks like. I would move the description up to the fifth paragraph, adding a paragraph break after the explanation. … too happy about it," the chief said in a hushed voice, period, not a comma, Caps on Leaning leaning in. comma not period and add qualifier ...he continued (comma) "They'll get along, though.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/20/2021 @ 12:17pm EDT