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Review #4612469
Viewing a review of:
 
Headache Open in new Window. [ASR]
Lauren has a close encounter of the worst kind.
by Words Whirling 'Round Author Icon
Review of Headache  Open in new Window.
Review by Starling Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Title: Review: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Lauren is headed for a job interview when she gets a migraine headache.

Also a spaceship gets stuck in some type of gooey substance and has to figure out how to get out of it. The only thing they can do is use their engine to move forward.

Hook:
Space ship is stuck

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Opening sentence is “She never saw it coming.” This pulls the reader further into the story to find out what came and what were the results. Dropping into the second paragraph is a bit confusing, even though we were given some warning with the mention of a sonic boom mentioned in the first paragraph

Characters Development:
We don’t learn much about Lauren. We learn more about the people on the spaceship who are going about their day, solving problems as they come up.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is all on the ship, what the people are doing to solve a program.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found very few problems. All found are listed at the bottom in a line-by-line review. Sentence structure was not a problem. There were no run-on sentences.

Closing Statement
This is an unusual story in some ways. My only problem with the story is even though the ship was so small why haven’t they realized there are large objects around. Normally spaceships are shown as a lot smaller than suns and other planets but yet we would probably see them. Maybe the ship is in what would be considered “in-between space” but it is still questionable they wouldn’t notice the large gray glob of goo.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
-----------------------------
...She never saw it coming. Lauren didn’t duck, never even looked up. By the time the sonic boom caught up with the out-of-control alien craft, (Suggestion: By the time the sonic boom from the out-of-control alien craft, caught up with it was all over.)
...Do a systems check and let me know when you’re ready, (no comma) Chief.”
...She felt disoriented, (no comma) but managed to sit
...One quarter (hyphenated) thrust.”
...the astronomical odds of being hit by a pinhead sized (hyphenated) UFO. Lauren certainly didn’t have a clue

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/07/2021 @ 1:06pm EDT
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