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Review #4612438
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by Starling Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Title: Review: The Growing Threat by Rima - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: The Growing Threat by Rima

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
Two members of a military space team land on a planet and discover the hatchery of a supposedly dead race of beings. They are attacked. Before they can get off the planet they need to fix their ship. Once fixed they take off and head back to the mother ship.

Hook:
One group fighting another group for control.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The reader is pulled into the action right away. Question presented include why are two beings sneaking through the grass to view a nest. Who are the beings in the next?

Characters Development:
Character development is accomplished first through speech and then through the actions of the characters. We learn they have powers. We also learn a little about the beings they are spying on.

Dialogue:
Dialogue can be followed easy. It is fast paced which pulls the reader along through the story.

Punctuation and Structure:
You need to put spaces between the paragraphs. You can do this at the bottom of the page where you enter your “static item”. Under advanced choose paragraph spacing, choose to retain spacing. Make sure in your item you have added the space. Without space, it is extremely hard to read. I have listed any other problems I found in a line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I liked the story. You give enough information to get the reader interested in the world you are building. I visualize this as maybe the second chapter in the story. (Why are the beings there? What was the war? What is the history of the people on both sides of the conflict?) It could be the last half of the first chapter also if you give a bit more build up.

You have left yourself plenty of room to run with “the war”. Make sure you keep your world building strong.

Thanks for posting.



Starling
--------------------
...Jordan and I crawled till to the edge of the clearing and peeped over.
... It was about a little more than half a mile in diameter and surrounded by waist high (hyphenated) scrubs.
...There was no moving soul around.(Question: It sounds like you are putting the nurseries in the middle of a large field, and the eggs are bright colored. Why is it so hard to see them from the air?)
...All of them. The whole of them (this sentence is not needed. It is redundant).”
...The ground was hot, glowing like a lump of coal on fire
...My head was whining and my ears ringing
... He was more than seven feet tall, wide at the shoulders (need comma) and tapered down at the waist. His arms were massive and his fingers had claws. On the top of his chisel shaped (hyphenated) face and bald head were two twisted horns.
...A full grown (hyphenated) tree flew across
... It was a more than thirty feet
...“That flying hornhead (two words?, or maybe caps) was going to fry you
...The rejuvenating chamber had drugs that could enhance cell growth up to two fifty (you may mean 250% here, wasn’t sure) per cent. (one word)
...My eyes closed in as I slowly slipped in to (one word) the comfort of slumber.
...I chocked choked as I tried to breathe and the mist blurred my vision.
...I cried trough through the growing mist
...Jordan, knowing that would drain him off of his ninety per cent (one word) of his
...“Then we’ll take them head on (hyphenated),”
...He breathed out heavily. “Yes (need comma) Commander.”
...They came in all shapes and sizes.
...My ears were ringing again and my hands shaking.
... The They holler at the Sormanians nursery
...“I think I found the mutagen.(need comma not period)” I said.
,,,“They are cross breeding. (hyphenated) They...

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