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Review #4612341
Viewing a review of:
 The Broken Planet Open in new Window. [13+]
A traveler falls from the stars.
by Kate Connors Author Icon
Review of The Broken Planet  Open in new Window.
Review by Starling Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Title: Review: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center}

Title and Author: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:

Plot::
A spaceship crashes in the water just offshore. The co-pilot is dead but the pilot is taken in by the inhabitants. He is called a god. He remembers his name but nothing is stated on if he remembers what happened prior to landing in the water. It is hinted at through the story’s progression he has lost most of his memory. After a length of time, he excepts his position although he can’t understand why these people think of him as a god.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraph draws the reader into the story. The reader is left to wonder, why the ship crashed and who the pilot is. Also, where was he originally going?

Characters Development:
The characters are fleshed out as they can be in this short chapter. We have a good idea of what the aliens look like and what their world looks like.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is smooth. We can easily tell who is talking by the words they use. All the dialogue is logical

Punctuation and Structure:
The author has done an excellent job in checking for punctuation problems. The sentence structure is equally well thought out. I have given an abbreviated line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. You have asked for help in fleshing this story out. At the moment you have the beginning of a short story. You have a beginning (Enzel crashes). You have a middle, (explaining over a period of time how he accepts what the people are saying about him. You don’t have an end, like a happy ever after.

Fleshing out what you have could include more detail about the characters you have introduced (background, looks ect.). You can also give some more detail on who Enzel is. We know a little about him, but we have no clue where he was or where he was headed before he crashed. He has also accepted his role too fast after a very minimal amount of wonder in the beginning.

The possibility exists this isn’t the first chapter in a longer version. Enzel would have a reason to be traveling. By the last part, you have already stated he could have been on patrol and had equipment failure. He could be coming for the first time and was being watched for by those already there.

Each area you have marked off can be a chapter in a longer story. You want to answer as many of the normal questions as possible. How, When, Where, Why, is everything happening. At a minimum, I can see this story progressing to the Novella stage of writing (anywhere from 10,000 to 40,000 words) There is also the Novellete stage (between 7,500 and 17,000 words).

Take your time. It can sometimes take an author, even those well established, to take a long time to get a story moving. I personally have several which I add to every so often when my Muse nudges me. Usually, he does it just as I’m going to sleep.

I hope I have helped a little bit. I would be willing to read more or answer questions you may have. I might not personally have the answer, but I can help you find someone who will know. WDC has several reviewing services that are willing to help. Keep checking into the contests also.

Thank you for posting.

Starling
--------------------
...now that the contest is over, i’d (caps on I) like some suggestions
...Hearts in his stomach, he unbuckles their restraints, (no comma) puts on their life jackets, and then he’s alone they’re on a raft at the mercy of an alien sea, his companion’s life bleeding into his hands.
...Everything is white when they open, (no comma) like Shaltet}
...A few minutes pass and whatever it is (need comma) sprouts a sail.
...“‘One with eyes and skin the color of the sky shall fall from her arms, a glorious and benevolent sovereign,’” (remove single quote mark) says the first one to stand,
...settle on either side of his face (need comma) and he’s forced to listen to the voices.
...“Minister, look at me.” She lifts her head, (no comma) but doesn’t stand.

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