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| Title: Review: The Balloon Ride by Shaye The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center} Title and Author: The Balloon Ride by Shaye In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: c:black}Your Words: Review comments My Impressions as I read: Editing Suggestions: Plot:: Julie’s friend, Mandy, talks her into inviting Harvey, a man she has been lusting about, on a balloon ride. She is nervous but they finally go on the ride and it is romantic, getting Julie a kiss she swears to remember always. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The reader finds out immediately this story is about going on a ballon ride. It is soon disclosed there are two tickets. Characters Development: The characters are developed through how they react to circumstances. Dialogue: It is not hard to tell who is talking by just the dialogue. The author adds just the right amount of none verbal support to keep us on track. Punctuation and Structure: I found very few mistakes. I have noted them and a couple of suggestions below in the line-to-line review. Closing Statement I have always wanted to take a balloon ride. You made this one very believable. Using the balloon ride as a backdrop to build a romantic story is a good choice. Thank you for posting. Starling -------------------------------- I stared, dumbfounded at the envelope before me. “A balloon ride for two? You think you’re real funny, don’t you?” I flung the voucher like (hypenated)a frisbee. My best friend, Mandy, grinned, (no comma) an evil glint in her eye. “You heard him the other day, or maybe you didn’t because you were too busy trying to hide. He was talking about how something he’s always wanted to do was go on a balloon ride at the Balloon Fiesta, and look,” she gestured at the voucher I’d chucked to the ground. “Now he can go with you.” “I hate you,” I mumbled. I’d made the mistake of mentioning this guy, Harvey, (no comma) was kind of cute. Mandy worked in the same office as him, (I would make this two sentences, breaking it here)I worked one office over. When I say it had been a mistake, I mean a mistake of monumental proportions. She’d been trying to set us up ever since. “I’ve got to go back to my desk, but if I don’t see your ass in there by the end of the day…” she left the sentence unfinished, but I didn’t need to hear it. She’d make things even worse. Picking the voucher up from the floor, I placed it on the desk. As the day passed, it slowly got buried under mounds of paperwork. A sharp cough brought my attention back to the room, and I immediately began typing, fearing my boss was stood behind me. “Where is it?” It wasn’t my boss, it was something someone much worse. I didn’t turn away from my screens. “Would you leave me alone? I’ll ask him at some point.” “I’m not leaving this spot until you do.” At first, I managed to ignore her. That didn’t last long. It started with some gentle humming, nobody but I could hear her. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she started singing love songs loud enough for not only my whole office to hear but probably Harvey too. “Are you trying to get us both fired?” I hissed. “Nope, I’m just trying to get you laid.” My forehead hit my desk before I knew what I was doing. The confidence seemed to come from nowhere, or maybe it was the desire to get away from Mandy, but before I knew it, I had the voucher in hand and was stood before Harvey’s desk. That’s when my idiot brain came back. “Hi, Harvey,” I spat out. A little more aggressive than I wanted. His eyebrows creased, “Hi, Julie. Is something wrong?” Sweat beaded on my forehead, as I thrust the voucher out towards him. “Balloon ride. Want to come?” I managed to say without choking. He took the voucher, fingers lightly brushing mine, and my knees weakened. As he read the voucher over, I began to consider the fact that I was going to collapse in front of his desk. The adrenaline was not doing me any favours, (European spelling, not wrong but thought I would point it out) and neither was the sniggering of Mandy from behind. “Yeah,” he finally replied, grinning widely. “Sounds like fun. What’s your number, so we can chat about it later?” I knew my number off by heart, but could I remember it at that exact moment? I flailed for a second, before Mandy stepped in, offering my number on a piece of paper as if she’d been prepared. *Hotair* *Hotair2* *Hotair3* *Hotair4* (I’m going to take it for granted you tried to put in pictures here the system didn’t like. Maybe just some dashes would do to separate the scenes) “It’s so beautiful,” I shouted, over the noise of the flames. The city of Bristol lay before us. From up high, the city appeared as a home for dolls. The streets, thin grey lines, and the houses, nothing more than small, colourful (European spelling, not wrong but I thought I would point it out) boxes. As I studied the houses, seeing if I could spot my own, green gaps sprung up. Just small parks at first, but they grew into fields, and before I knew it we were away from the city and flying high over the lush countryside. The gorgeous emerald hills seemed to roll on for miles. The sort of sight you’d find on a postcard was flying by my very eyes. “That’s not the only thing that’s beautiful,” Harvey said. My eyes were drawn away from the view, to Harvey’s face, his normally tidy mousy hair, windswept, and even cuter than before. His hand caught mine, and we looked out over the English countryside. I jumped, as the pilot, who I’d forgotten about, spoke. “If you look to your left, you’ll see the Suspension Bridge begin to come into view.” Harvey pointed, and I gasped. The Suspension Bridge was beautiful from the ground, but up here, it was something else. I finally appreciated what a marvel of engineering it must’ve been in its day. The flowing River Avon and the Clifton Suspension Bridge, coupled with the hundreds of other balloons in the air were a sight that would stay with me for a long time. I turned to talk to Harvey, preparing to yell over the sound of the gas firing, but I was cut off. Harvey’s lips met mine, and we kissed as orange and pink streaks broke out across the sky. The sights wouldn’t be the only thing that would stay with me for a long time.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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