%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4611899 |
| Title: Review: Whatever by Oakes The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. {/center} Title and Author: Whatever by Oakes In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: c:black}Your Words: Review comments My Impressions as I read: Editing Suggestions: Plot:: Young man is in love with a girl. She has just finally agreed to go on a date with him. All is not well Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Excellent opening. The reader is pulled into the writing wondering why this word is important. Characters Development: You establish early we have two main characters, a man and a woman. The piece is very short but we do know they are young and the boy is in love with the girl. Dialogue: The dialogue is well planned out to make an impact. Punctuation and Structure: Structure is good. I have made my suggestions below. Closing Statement I love a good ending twist. You did a great job in spinning the reader in a different direction with no warning. Thank you for posting. Starling “Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and brilliant green eyes. You should have seen her. She had smooth skin as pale and iridescent as the moon shining over a snow covered (hyphenated) (Grammarly is also telling me to remove the word: a)landscape. She moved with a meaning. As she walked away from me I could sense her presence exiting the room. You could feel when she was around without even having to see her. She was wondrous. “Then I’ll see you later tonight?” I asked her nervously as she turned the corner. (check to make sure you are clicking the “Preserve spacing” under “Advanced” at the bottom of the page where you post. Your paragraphs are all run together and it is difficult for the reader to keep track.) She said nothing but the grin on her face widened as she disappeared from view. When she was gone for sure I let out the greatest sigh the world would ever witness. Then I plopped down on the soft red couch in my small apartment and flicked on the TV, surfing through the channels for a while. I was elated that I had finally got a date with the girl I had obsessed over for so long. I had met her six years earlier at a friend’s house and ever since then I had longed for us to be together. When I had first looked into those gorgeous eyes, I knew we were meant to be. And when she first spoke to me, I was sure we were meant to be. It was obvious and I never had a doubt in my mind that it was untrue. The only problem with the whole situation was that she didn’t feel the same way about me; at least not quite the same way that I had been feeling about her. She liked me for a while, and she told me so every now and again, but I was never the spark to her that she was to me. Time went on and we remained good friends for a long time. Occasionally we would get into a minor argument and stop talking for a few weeks but we would always some how (one word) end up friends again in the end. And I knew why, though she didn’t. Then we got in our biggest fight, don’t ask about what because I can’t remember for the life of me, but it just kept escalating until we stopped talking. And we didn’t talk for nearly six months. Then, one random day, she called me and asked if she could see me. We met at my apartment and talked and talked for hours. I told her how I felt and she told me how she realized that I was right and we were destined to be together. Then she agreed to go out to dinner with me. “What kind of restaurant?” I asked, “Japanese? Mexican? Italian?” “Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face... I walked downstairs with a distinctive smirk upon my face and my car keys dangling in my hand. I was so happy. Nothing could ever ruin that feeling I had. It was dark out now and as I stepped out into the city air I could see bright lights flashing wildly. A bunch of cop cars were parked right across the street and a small crowd of people had gathered along the sidewalk. However happy I was, I was still curious as to what was going on across the street. (I would remove this “across the street” because you have already stated it in the previous sentence) I joined the few spectators who were already standing around and I made my way to the front of the small crowd at the edge of the caution tape. I stifled a scream. There only five feet away was the body of the only girl I had over loved laying face down in a pool of her own blood. I fell to my knees and clenched at my shirt and cried. She looked so peaceful yet so sad. No one around seemed to care. I found out shortly after that, that (I would remove both words) she had been killed by a local gang member as some initiation right. The young man was caught and prosecuted and sentenced then released on good behavior five years early. I bought a pistol and shot him in the head the day he got out. “I know this sounds strange, but this one seems like he’s actually trying to say something, Doctor.” “Hmm,” said the doctor examining patient number six through the glass, “This is the one they caught attempting to kill that boy who had just got out of jail. He pulled out a gun but was brought down by some civilians before he actually got a shot off. Listen to him.” They both stood quiet for a moment listening to the crazed man talk. “Doctor, he’s just been saying the word ‘whatever’ repeatedly for the past ten minutes.”  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.