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 Review #4611652 |
 | Izumi´s fate  [13+] Izumi is a 15 year old girl who is yet to discover her fate.  |
| The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.{/center} Title and Author: Izumi´s fate by Izumi In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words My Impressions as I read Editing Suggestions Plot:: Izumi is a young girl that helps save a young boy after an explosion. Later her body starts changing and she gets caught up in a battle. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: ---Your opening paragraph does well at telling the reader something dangerous is happening. Characters Development: I think you could do a lot more with character development. We know basically nothing about Izumi or any of the other characters. We do know she is young because she is still in school. Dialogue: I am under the opinion English is not your first language. I applaud your ability to write the story. Some of the phrasings is different than what would be spoken. Maybe you could have some read the spoken words to you in your other language so you could tell what words maybe missing. Punctuation and Structure: ---If you use a question mark, then you say the person asked. ---If you are going to mention a person said something you use a comma before the quote marks not a period I would like to suggest you study some more information on punctuation. There are classes you can take on Writing.com to help with this. Closing Statement The story is interesting. You tend to leave out information the reader needs to know before you tell what is going on. Izumi is very accepting about all of a sudden being pulled into another world and having to be a superhero. I have also pointed out some questions in the main review. You have a good start here. Keep going. One of the techniques I use is to read the story out loud to see what I may have missed. I understand this could be a problem for you. As I suggested above maybe you can have some read it to you in whatever language you use in everyday life. Thank you for posting your writing. Starling ----------------------- After school Izumi went up What did she use to go up the building? Steps, elevator, ladder? You need to say how. the tallest building and sat down as it was a place that she would go when she needed to calm down. Then she heard a loud boom that shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke covered the sky and in the distance plums of flames ominously flicked below the black vail. New paragraphShe felt like she should go and see if she could help so she ran as fast as she could as the building wasn't that far away. When she got there, emergency responders were already there. Izumi asked a police officer what had happened and he explained that a bomb had gone off. When the officer wasn't looking, she started to walk towards the building. "Hey little girl you shouldn't get any closer you need to come back!" an officer said, but Izumi didn't listen. "Hey there, you hear me!?remove exclamation point and space " Thelower case on the t officer yelled. "Oh I heard you but I am choosing to ignore it." Izumi said in a sassy tone of voice and uppercase on s she had entered the building. Soon, the entrance collapsed along with the first floor. However, Izumi was already on the second floor that was when she heard crying, so she ran as fast as she could to the crying. When she finally found the source of the sound, she saw a little boy who looked to be six years old. Just as Izumi picked him up, he passed out from exhaustion. Izumi started to run to the closest window. She broke it and jumped out landing perfectly on her feet like a cat as she was part cat. Izumi was limping and could barely stand but she was determined to get the young boy in her arms to safety. Izumi staggered, stumbled, and limped as she was determined to get to the paramedics. When she finally got to them and gave them the little boy. Comma not a period, lowercase on “s” She passed out and she was immediately brought to a hospital. New paragraphShe needed stitches in her right arm and leg as she had cut them pretty badly when she jumped out the window. She was in a coma for a while. The worst part was that everyone that knew her personally saw everything from the explosion to her shattering the window to her passing out. They were heartbroken as Izumi was the nicest person that they knew and she had helped several of her friends find love. Without her, things wouldn't be the same! So many people would die if she did. Everyone liked her and she was like their little sister. Izumi was the most important part of both of her families. After a whole month had passed, with no signs of waking up, the doctors were about to diagnose Izumi mentally brain dead. She jolted up and out of her month-long coma. Though Izumi's vision kept fading in and out she was definitely waking up. "Hey, she is waking up!" a doctor said. Though she was safe, Izumi didn't know what was happening and started panicking. She was scared. "W-where am I-I? Who's there? W-what's h-happening?" Izumi saidasked while trying to fight back the tears. Not even a minute passed before Izumi broke down sobbing. She didn't know what was going on. "My little girl it's alright you're safeneed comma" a voice familier spelling error to Izumi said. "Mom?" Izumi asked. "Yes babyneed comma" Inko said. "Why am I here Mom?" Izumi saidasked trying to calm down but it was really hard. Then Inko left the room to make a call. "Hey Mitsuki.need comma not a period" Inko saidneed a period "Oh hello, Inkoneed comma" Mitsuki saidneed a period "So Izumi woke up today and she was really scared. Could you send Katsuki over here?" "Oh of course" Then Inko went back into Izumi's room and a few minutes later Katsuki got to the hospital. "Hello sir, what can I help you with today?" a nurse saidasked . "I am here to see Izumi Midoriya need comma" Katsuki said. "Oh ok, she is in room 201need comma" the nurse said. Then Katsuki went to Izumi's room. When he got there, just like he had been told, she was crying and looked very scared. "Hey Izu" Katsuki said, in a calm voice. "Kat!?" you use either the explanation poing or the question mark, not both together Izumi called out. Use a new paragraph when someone else is talking. Two people can not talk in the same paragraph"Yeah that's me babeneed comma " Katsuki said and then went to sit on Izumi's hospital bed to comfort his girlfriend. "Hey Izumi? Do you want a hug?" Katsuki asked and without giving a reply Izumi hugged her boyfriend and cried into his shoulderneed a period "Yeah, that's it! Just let it out. It's okayneed comma " Katsuki said. "Kat, I'm scared.need comma " Izumi said. "It's alright Izu, I'm here. need comma not a period " Katsuki said. "Kat I-I want to g-go home.need comma not a period " Izumi mumbled. After hearing this Katsuki had an idea and he pulled out a plushie and gave it to Izumi. She squeezed it and she started to calm down. "Thank you Kat," Izumi said. "So when do I go home?" Izumi asked. "Soon Izu, very soon.need comma not a period " Katsuki said. Izumi then yawned and her eyes started to get heavy as she was really tired from all her crying. "You're tired, aren't you?" Katsuki saidasked Izumi yawned again. "Yeah" Izumi said. And then she fell asleep. "Ok, good, she's asleep now.need comma not period" Inko said. Chapter 2 - Change Izumi was released from the hospital and is now at home getting ready for school. Right as she is about to leave the house, Izumi sees her boyfriend and then runs up to him. "Hey Kat.need comma not a period" Izumi said. "Hey Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said, Izumi gave Katsuki a hug and then they started to walk to school together. "Almost there Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said. "Ok Katneed comma" Izumi said. After Izumi said that Katsuki picked her up and put her on his shoulders, his actions caused Izumi to giggle. Katsuki continued to walk to school. Halfway there Izumi fell asleep. Once on school grounds, some of Katsuki's and Izumi's friends ran to them. "Hey Katsuki we saw the newsneed period and capital “I” is Izumi alright?" Denki asked. "Why not ask her yourself.need comma not a period" Katsuki responded. Katsuki bent down and woke Izumi up and she got off of Katsukis back. "Denki has something to ask you.need comma not a period" Katsuki said. "Ok well, what do you need to ask me Denki?" Izumi asked. "Oh well I just wanted to know if you were alright.need question mark not a period" Denki asked. "Well, I'm fine Denki need comma" Izumi said. After all the questions the group of students went inside to their class. When they got to class the class representative walked up to Izumi. "Izumi you're not hurt are you?" Ilda asked. Izumi sighed "I'm fine.need comma not a period" she said. After even more questioning, Izumi went towards her desk but half way This is oneword not twothere her eyes started to change green to red to white back to green. Izumi collapsed and fell to the ground and her body was very clearly shaking in pain. Then Katsuki ran to Izumi and lifted her head so he could try and see what was wrong with Izumi. When he did he saw that her eyes were changing colors. "What's happening to her!?" Mina asked. use question mark OR explanation point "I don't know..." Katsuki responded. "What do you mean, you don't know.need question mark not period" Ilda repeated Mina's question. "I SAID I DON'T KNOWneed exclamation point" Katsuki shouted. Normally you do not capitalize all the letters in writing. You say shouted and that would be enough. This is a writers choice though Then Izumi's eyes went back to their natural green before changing to orange and for a while time seemed to stop. What felt like hours was really only one minute and after the period time stopped Izumi's eyes went back to green but something was off and her pupils were in the shape of a heart. "What happened?" Izumi asked her boyfriend. "I don't know?" Katsuki replied. As Izumi started to get up purple mist or what Izumi referred to as the warp gate started to materialize and it is what Izumi called the warp gate. You are repeating the same thing twice. You need to rephrase the sentance. And Izumi was warped outside and not being used to the warp gates power she was temporarily blinded. When she finally managed to adjust she saw villains that she barely managed to take down, villains such overhaul, wolfram, and nine. But it was different then she had only one person that she needed to focus on then but now she had to focus on 3 of thenthem . Then her eyes turned white and she pulled out a flaregun and pull off a 20 round rapid fire in to into is one word the sky and within minutes news chopper’s where swerming the sky around the hero in training and the three villains. “Need some helpneed question mark” a voice asked. “Who’s thereneed question mark” Izumi asked. “You’ll know only if you say s a specific phraseneed comma” the voice replied. Being all too trusting Izumi nodded and then she raised her hand and called outneed period “DEKU MATERIALIZEneed exclamation point” Izumi shouted. A combo of red and green mist whirled and then a guy not that much taller then Izumi appeared. “You’reYour wish is my command... Mistressneed comma” Deku saidneed period how would she know his name. He needs to introduce himself to her somehow Back in the classroom the others are looking for Izumi when they noticed the flair and hear Izumi scream. “What that…need question mark” Ilda questioned. “ remove spaceTHAT WAS ONE OF IZUMI’S FLAIRS.need exclamation point not period” Katsuki shoutedneed periodWhat is Izumi’s Flair? You have not explained this before using the words “Cmon let’s goneed comma” Mina said before dashing out of the door with the others not far behind her. However it wasn’t long before Katsuki ran right past Mina, determined to protect his girlfriend at all costs. Back down on the battlefield Izumi started to levitate a meter off the ground and only one thought had crossed her mind “I want katsuki” Need caps on name and period after the quotation marks “Deku do you have any information or a way we can defeat them?” Izumi askedneed period “Umm... no I do not but...” responded Dekuneed period “But whatneed question mark” Izumi askedneed period The two started to use a telepathic quirk to insure secrecyneed period “But form from the information I do have, there’s two traitors in the league of villains but I do not know exactly who they are.need comma not a period” Deku responded. For a few minutes they were waiting for someone to make the first move and that’s when Deku Made lower case on madethe first move.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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