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 Review #4603826 |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Jray  , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  All you needed to accomplish in this one-scene story was to delineate your paragraphs, and you've done that admirably with both double-spacing and indentation. You missed one (“Let me guess, more mental training for me?” I sigh.), but I'm not going to mar a perfect field over a single hiccup. What I will do is offer a suggestion to make it even better.You have used the default font, which there is certainly no penalty for, but you've probably remarked yourself on how tiny and constricted it is, like the fine print on a car dealer's contract. There are many ways to tweak the fonts here on the site that you'll learn as you experiment. For example, this review is in size 3.5 Verdana with a linespace setting of 1.4. But the easiest way to make the text in your story "pop" is to place the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of your text. Try it; I'm pretty sure you'll like it. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. This is a beautiful tale of a comfort-loving adolescent finding her true calling, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I must admit to a little confusion over whether all these Hawaiian names and references mean that it takes place in Hawaii, or if it's actually a fantasy world (given the communing with a goddess that takes place), but I read your bio and understand that you're experimenting with scenes and characters, and can thus "forgive" this oversight. Always bear in mind as you go forward that many readers don't bother to read your bio, and so may experience this confusion without mitigation. If this a "throwaway" scene that you're testing for your book project, you don't have to worry about that, but be aware that many readers don't read the background material, and make your stories stand on their own.Here's a point I won't belabor, but be aware: I spent 17 months on Guam. 36 miles long, and 4 to 9 miles wide at various points. By the time I left, I knew where every rock and footpath was, which trees were flowering, and which way the traffic signals were pointed. It's tough to believe that a person born and raised on an island would be unfamiliar with a path just below her house, or anywhere on the island, really. They're just too small. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  Many good stories fail outright on this section. Yours is good, but has a few minor hiccups, which is pretty much the norm. There is so much to orchestrate when writing a piece of fiction, and something always seems to be overlooked. Believe me, this is my 529th review, and very few of them have gotten through this section without taking at least a few hits. Just bear in mind as you read this that this is a large cut above average.I observe that you are placing your ending punctuation outside the quotations marks, as here: “Bro, can you move? You are blocking everything!”, Are you Australian, or some other Commonwealth country where this is the norm? I'll pass this on the assumption that it's correct for your locale, but in U.S. English they go inside, as “Bro, can you move? You are blocking everything,” I also just noticed that you put an exclamation mark inside, and a comma outside; one or the other, please. “Wait, what are you doing-”, my words are cut short... There's a lot going on in this little sentence couplet. First, that hyphen after "doing" should be an em-dash. There isn't one on your keyboard, and two hyphens together (--) are an acceptable substitute, but to really classy it up here on WdC, you can type {emdash}, which will give you the real deal: — Just a few sentences in, and I've already noticed that you have a tendency to end a sentence with two punctuation marks (!", - —",). Finally, the em-dash denotes someone being cut off mid-sentence, and you always begin the next sentence with a capital letter: My, in this case. I have noted a tendency to combine the words and actions of separate characters into one paragraph, as in this example: “So, uh mom. Lovely weather we having right? It's so nice it makes you want to forget everything and just take it all in”. Mom crosses her arms, and pierces me with her gaze. If the associated action was, I cross my arms and pout like a wronged child, this would all belong in one paragraph, but as it's mom crossing her arms, this should be divided thus: “So, uh mom. Lovely weather we having right? It's so nice it makes you want to forget everything and just take it all in.” Mom crosses her arms, and pierces me with her gaze. In “Ugh, fine I guess I’ll go. I pick myself off the counter and head out the backdoor... you left out the quotation mark after I guess I'll go. Here is a passage that could use some italics: They won’t respond fully to my command. Remember your mental training Kal. I close my eyes and balance my breathing. The phrase Remember your mental training Kal is her speaking to herself inside her head. If you set those passages off in italics, it immediately tips off the reader that these are thoughts, not spoken words. I especially like that you didn't add "I thought" to that phrase. It's fairly obvious once the reader goes back to parse it out, but if it's in italics, it becomes part of the flow with no going back involved. Add italics by placing {i} in front and {/i} behind the words you want italicized. There's a shortcut key at the top of the creation box. There are a couple of places where you divide one piece of dialogue into sections with unnecessary quotation marks. An example: “Thanks for the words dad, but you know I hate my name”. “It’s too oldy sounding”. This is all one statement, and shouldn't have the extra quotation marks in the middle. I have gone to this level of nitpicking because you say in your bio that you're a young writer just learning the ropes, and I do it to help you learn them right. My suggestion to you is to get yourself a style guide. These are small books that cover most of the common situations of the sort that I've mentioned above. The one I use is The Elements of Style by Strunk & White. It goes for around $5 on Amazon, and mine is never out of reach of my keyboard. Writing is hard work, and the ones who succeed are, unsurprisingly, the ones who do the work. You tell a wonderful story. Free it from these degrading grammar gaffes and let it fly! CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? You keep it simple, Dad, the siblings, and a minor appearance from Mom. Their interactions are appropriate and believable, given their age and status as a royal family. These are well-drawn characters who attract the reader, and move the story forward in a smooth, natural way. Well done!SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? I may have mentioned that I lived for a while on one of these tropical islands, and I have to say, you've captured the ambiance nicely. One might think that you have, or even do live on one yourself. My only complaint is with the idea that there's a path that close to her house that Kal has never explored, and as I hit on that in the Story section, I won't pound it again here. Beautiful job of drawing the reader in, as close to perfect as it gets.SUMMARY: I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/26/2021 @ 1:43pm EDT