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 Review #4601646 |
  Greetings, hbk16, I am reviewing this today as a judge for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "  . First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. Visually appealing Nice sized font, paragraphs, all italicized letters. Easy to understand Everything flowed and seemed in sequence. Followed the prompt Use of the teddy bear from the picture prompt. Internal Conflict It's Simone's birthday and she misses her mother who is dead. Characters: Simone and her father, plus the people at her party. Dialogue: Yes, a nice balance of dialogue. Setting: Simone's house in the attic and also the back yard where her party is taking place. Technicalities: Simone arrived home at six o'clock and in a hurry she went to the attic. You might want to consider rewording this. Here is one example: Simone arrived home at six o'clock and hurriedly went to the attic. her mother white dress --> her mother's white dress Are you crying?" She added. --> Are you crying?" she added. She got diabetes.However --> She had diabetes. However "Happy birthday Simone!" --> "Happy birthday, Simone!" Always use a comma when addressing someone, for pause. There are a few other areas, too, where a comma is needed for this reason. "Come on quickly please I have a --> "Come quickly, please. I have a Favorites: a dummy skeleton is hanging in the abyss of an ancient spared wardrobe Great visual! Tonight she noticed a shooting star and understood that was a sign from her mother. Good ending. Final thoughts: To me, the story seems a little sad for children. Perhaps if it was a chapter in a book, it would be fine, but a stand-alone story, it's sad. However, what child wouldn't want their very own roller coaster for a birthday gift!  I was confused about the coffin in the attic, though, with Simone's mother's white dress in it (the one her mother had died in.) On the other hand, I lost my own mother when I was eight, like your main character, so I could connect with the girl's sadness. I'm not sure, however, why the coffin was in the attic. I may not be familiar, though, with some religious practices, and that's why it was confusing for me.  I felt the shooting star at the end was a nice way to end this.  Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 03/11/2021 @ 5:00pm EST