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 Review #4601301 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, BoB_618  , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. This is important to keep in mind as you read, as I see that you already have a 5-star review, and I have a few issues to raise. So bear in mind that, as I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Your work on the presentation aspects is all top-drawer. From the way you've indented your paragraphs to the way you've opened up the atrocious default font, things couldn't be better here. Excellent work.STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. I'm going to mention without really hammering the point that this story feels very incomplete. The title is The Wishing Well, but we never see one. It's genre is listed as Horror, but the only hint of horror we get is Jim's story about almost being hit by a tree. It ends in the middle of a reminiscence which is part of an argument. All these things lead me to believe that this is an unfinished work in progress. My suggestion: By all means, make this open-access and make the membership aware that it's available, but I question whether an unfinished work should be placed on the Please Review list. I understand your eagerness to get eyes on it, but readers assume that things placed there are complete, and will list issues in their reviews that may not be legit... Like this one.You may have heard the old adage, show, don't tell. This is a very important aspect of writing compelling fiction, and your story starts out with a paragraph of exposition about the two main characters and some of their family members. Consider your introductions to the staff when you start a new job. No one makes introductions by saying, "This is Sylvia. You'll see that she's dressed casually today, but that's just because it's Friday. She normally wears a dark suit with a splash of color. Her father wanted her to work at a bank, but she chose our firm instead." That would sound unnatural as hell, and it's even more unnatural to read it. Some recommendations: Drop the first paragraph; begin your story with "I think," Jim blurted out... Your reader is instantly invested. Something dramatic is going on here, and he wants to know what it is. He'll keep reading to find out. Second, I don't like to say "never," but never put a laundry list in a story! What's a laundry list, you ask? Your whole first paragraph, for openers: Jim is 38. He manages an appliance store. He was raised on a farm. He wants to be a stock broker. Some of those points may prove important, some won't, and the reader isn't going to remember this paragraph. He wants to engage with your story, and that begins when the drama begins. You know all these facts about the characters you've created; introduce them gradually. Let us get to know your characters naturally, a bit at a time, as we do in real life. Your readers will love you for surprising them with those tidbits as they become important. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  There are some minor issues here that need to be addressed, so let's get to them.First I want to suggest that you're using too many semicolons; they can be ambiguous and tricky, and some professional writers of my acquaintance will tell you to never use them. I don't adhere to that extreme, but I will suggest that if you aren't absolutely sure that it's correct, use a comma instead. The second issue that I want to discuss is your use of parenthetical explanations throughout the story. Examples: Uncle Leroy used to take me into the mountains with him (camping and fishing)... Why else? If Leroy took him to the woods to molest him or hunt UFOs, that might be worth a mention, but camping or fishing are the obvious assumptions. Trust your readers; they'll get it. It damn near whacked me (out of existence)! If you want Jim to say that it almost whacked him out of existence, then lose the parentheses and make it part of his statement. Otherwise, have him say, "It damned near killed me!" I have a suggestion that will help with many of these issues: Get yourself a style guide. This is a small book that covers scores of writing conventions such as when to use a semicolon, and how parenthetical statements fit into a narrative. The one I use is The Elements of Style by Strunk & White. It goes for about $5.00 on Amazon, and is never out of reach of my keyboard. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Jim and Sylvia seem like they're going to be very effective for driving this narrative; the classic "City mouse and country mouse." I shouldn't know that yet, and should be enjoying the mystery of working out their relationship for myself, but I've already pounded that above, and won't deduct more points for the same issue. As far as the characters as written, these two have a built-in tension that has the potential to carry the story a long way with great interest.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? We only have one setting so far, a country road. Everyone knows what a country road looks like, and you have wisely refrained from investing a couple of paragraphs in describing every leaf in the forest. That would be unnecessarily distracting, and you handled it well. Jim's reference to sycamore trees is important to the story, and leads well into his next bit of dialogue, and that was well-handled as well.SUMMARY: Well, now that I've made an enemy for life, let me reiterate a suggestion that will help you in all your writing to come: Always trust your reader! He was smart enough to choose your story to read; trust him to be smart enough to follow it as well.I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! ** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
The third place I'm going to recommend is, of course, my blog,
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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