%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4599948 |
 | The Remedy of Space  [18+] An exterior maintenance procedure on a space station goes wrong. 760 Words  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, BariRandom , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Your story looks fine, your paragraphs are correct, and these tired old eyes especially appreciate the way you've opened up the font; the default is terrible, isn't it? I have a suggestion to sharpen the look a bit, though nothing you've done is wrong. View this as a suggestion to use as you wish.Double-spacing paragraphs has long been accepted here on WdC, but every professionally published work I've ever seen has indented paragraphs. You accomplish this by placing {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph. There's a shortcut button at the top of the creation box that places one wherever the cursor is. Great work, though, indentations or no. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful.  Oh, but this is a nasty little tale, in the best way possible. The only thing that gave me a bit of pause is that the characters' situation isn't laid out (possibly due to word count limits), and the assumption one gets is that the two players are astronauts, whose psych screenings are as thorough as they get. Why, then, is the man's life dependent on a suicidal nutbag who'd rather dig the view than help her partner? One sentence toward the end describes them as "the last batch of humans," so that hints at their situation. As a reader, I don't require everything to be wrapped up neat with a bow; a bit of ambiguity can be fun for a reader, but I believe you need to give a bit more backstory here. A second reading brings the realization that you never said this is Earth and the sun, but you shouldn't need to read a story twice. Just one guy's opinion, and I wouldn't make any changes unless you get more comments that say the same thing, but it's the opinion I'm stuck with, and I have to rate based on it.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. I have nothing but praise for your proofreading skills. This is my 520th review, and I rarely see a story as mechanically perfect as this one. The only tiny hiccup is here, Nothing about this- where you've used a hyphen in place of an emdash (—). You get this odd bit of punctuation by typing {emdash} wherever you want it to appear. An excellent job, nonetheless.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Beautiful contrast between Hive's near-panic and Lim's zenlike self-absorption in the situation. I've toyed with deducting half a star here, but decided not to; I find it difficult to accept that a character with Lim's outlook would be sent on a spacewalk, but without her you have no story, so she must be as she is. A sudden mental collapse, I suppose...SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Well, someone on the verge of being consigned to the blackness of space makes for a powerful setting, and you have described this one chillingly and effectively. Not much to say here besides great job!SUMMARY: I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234836 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
The third place I'm going to recommend is, of course, my blog,
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/28/2021 @ 2:11pm EST