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 Review #4598971 |
 | Dear Louise  [18+] Man working through a mid-life crisis leaves home for JAPAN and meets a stripper.  |
| (5.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Hello again, R. Alan Wilson , and I hope it finds you well. I reviewed you the other day, but I always check "Read a Newbie" first for review material, and when this popped up, I just couldn't not talk about it. I'll repeat my template here so you won't have to refer to my old review to see what I'm talking about, so let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started.THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  Presentation is excellent. I prefer indented paragraphs, but double-spacing is quite acceptable here, and opening up the font in size and line-spacing makes for a pleasant and easy read.STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. I've read a few stories that take the form of a letter, or even a back-and-forth series of letters, which can be quite hilarious. They aren't common, and when they're well done, as this one is, they give an insight into character that no third-person narrative can match. The only little thing I see is in some terminology that your Air Force experience wouldn't have taught you: The army has Medics; the marines have Corpsmen. Corpsman is short for Hospital Corpsman, the name of a navy rating, or job, similar in concept to radioman or boatswain's mate. The marines don't train their own medical personnel; the elite of the navy Corpsmen go into the field with the marines and function as their "Medics." Am I going to deduct half a star from a fine story over that? Not a chance! Just be aware of that, fix it if you want, but know that a sailor or marine will feel an immersion tug when he reads this, and changing a single word will eliminate that. But, great story!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. Again, too close to perfect to mar with a deduction. I refer to this passage: I's an automatic radar thing and flashes Slow Down! if a car goes through too fast. I suspect that this should read It's an automatic radar thing... You might also consider putting "Slow Down!" in quotation marks, as the odd punctuation makes the reader slow down  to work it out, and that's another unnecessary immersion tug. But again, nothing major, and I really must tip my begoggled patrol cap to your editing skills.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? I love this guy pouring his heart into a letter that he probably isn't going to send. I also love that we don't find out whether he does or not. Ralph shows a sense of romantic adventure that we all wish we had the guts to try, driving across the country then hopping a freighter to Japan, where he has, to all appearances, "gone native." This is a vicarious thrill ride for any reader.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? The road trip, the life in Japan, all are presented in rich and engaging detail that draws the reader in and makes him envious of Ralph's escape from the rat race. Beautiful job!SUMMARY: I have enjoyed reading your work, and am sure that will continue for a while. You have a delightful voice for this kind of thing, and while I've mentioned it before, I'll suggest again that you pay a visit to "Dreamweaver Bar & Grill" and consider taking out a membership. It's free, we don't require any activity on your part, and it would expose you to a number of fine writers that you might not encounter just by chance. Your call, of course, but whatever you do, keep creating these wonderful stories, and enjoy your writing journey!** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable **  Jack My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/23/2021 @ 9:50pm EST