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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4596134
Review #4596134
Viewing a review of:
 The Unexpected Event Open in new Window. [13+]
A woman watches herself in a diner from outside, looking through the eyes of another woman
by Angel Author Icon
Review by Lovina Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Angel -

This is a review for the
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The Lodestar Contest Open in new Window. (13+)
Looking for a guiding light. May 2024 round is open, looking for short stories.
#2130938 by Satuawany Author IconMail Icon
Part 3.


*Starw* Please keep in mind these are just my opinions and they carry only the weight you give them! *StarW*

Overall Impression: A great first draft and excellent use of the prompt! With a only a little flushing out it will be a wonderful short story.

Spelling/Grammar: I found only a couple of spelling/grammar errors for you to consider:

1. In this section - Eileen realised was standing by - you may want to insert "she" before "was".

2. In this section - ‘I phoning you about - you may want to change "I" to "I'm".

Readability: I love that you gave both women's perspective it gave the story more depth. For me it would make it a lot easier to differentiate between the two women if you used a different line break instead of just a space, like a dotted or solid line.

Suggestions: In this section - preventing it from being expelled across the counter - it sounds like the cup wants to vomit that coffee *Rolling*, you may want to use "spilled" instead.

Write on!

Thanks much,
Lovina *Paw*

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#544247 by The StoryMistress Author IconMail Icon


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 02/09/2021 @ 1:29pm EST
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