Stir Crazy [13+] lodestar contest part 2 & 4 entry |
Hi my name is Sue. Please remember these are just one person’s opinions. I hope you find something here useful and if not discard the rest with good cheer. What I liked best I loved the uniqueness of the story. You took the premise of the lone spaceman going gradually stir crazy and ran with it. You gave the story a twist of humour which made reading it a pleasure. Opening paragraph. You introduce the main character straight away. By describing his bland meal, we, the reader, are realising how drab and boring his life is and that he has run out of all staples and anything enjoyable to eat. The first sentence could read a bit better, I think. John ate his processed protein slurry like he had every day for he had lost count of how long. Perhaps write John hate his processed protein slurry. He’d lost count of how long it had been since his dehydrated food ran out He grew his own nutrient slurries from the cultures the base had in stock In the second paragraph, you wrote John began to suit up. Perhaps suited up sounds better?.re-patched} 4th paragraph: it was really beginning to wear him down. maybe: it was wearing him down. Just a suggestion to differentiate the voices of the “hallucinations” they could be written in italics. 19th paragraph: There was a glass front door like what John remembered.. This sentence could be better. 20th paragraph: How long had it been.? missing question mark. Characters. The spaceman, John, is the main character. The others are to all intents and purposes, figments of his imagination. I enjoyed the way you brought these other characters into the story, especially his mother. Seeing her would certainly send him over the edge and would be enough to convince him of his madness. Grammar and spelling. I couldn’t find much in the way of spelling mistakes or grammar except for a dearth of commas. Maybe run it through a grammar check? Parting comments. You did a fantastic, imaginative job with the story idea. I loved reading and really enjoyed the last sentence. Well done. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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