The first time I read your initial draft of this story, caused much confusion. I skimmed the story looking for connections of the characters and was not able to get them figured out but this can be fixed. Please explain who is who so that I can make better sense of the plot and setting.

I like the story although it is macabre, unsettling, and just plain weird.

The dialog is interesting and with some tweaking can show more about the characters. They are intriguing, weird~good for the story, have personality potential to bring this story into vivid and colorful reality, and create a moving picture of who they are, where they are, and the culture.

Right now, you are telling the story which is ok, but to show the story would better engage and hold the readers attention. For example, I would:

“Do you want fun with a woman whom I met online?” solicited a hooded gunman with a whisper.

Hooded gunman—why the whisper, just curious?
Who is this, relationship with whom?
Where is this person?
What or why are they asking this question? To whom? Who is this person being asked?
What do these characters have to do with the rest of your story?
If this place where they are interacting a different planet from earth or are they twisted a warper, why? Is this normal culture practice, or insanity?

*grape* “Do you want fun with a woman whom I met online?” solicited a hooded gunman with a whisper.
Invading personal space the hooded gunman …
Leaning toward his/her ear…
Hot breath or hot moist breath flowed…
Whispering as he/she leaned close to his/her ear...
Moving toward … words almost inaudible …

“I don’t have any money for female implants nor time to share your prison cell” laughed a cousin wearing army clothes while that woman placed two glasses of water on a table before them and then went into her kitchen.

Implants, what? Who is the cousin?

On a corner of a dimly lit ceiling above the two men, there were two spiders. The smaller spider was approaching the bigger spider, like a man approaching a woman. The bigger one walked into a corner of the ceiling bounded by webs. The two stood only a centimeter from each other. Suddenly the bigger spider tore off the smaller one’s leg. Jolted by the pain, the smaller one ran but was snared by the webs. The bigger spider ate the smaller one that struggled and squirmed with one leg trying to break through the webs and escape but then twisted, broke, and stopped moving.


Why? What’s the connection?
Thinking about this seems like there are similar stories about spiders and about humans. The plotlines are similar between the large spider eating the smaller spider and the human eating the human. But, it seems there is more to this.

Did one or two men see this? What was their reaction(s)?

The man/men watch two spiders as they positioned themselves on the web. Larger and more powerful the spider forced the smaller spider into the corned of the web and began its’ meal.


“She looks like that sixteen year old girl who killed her kidnapper after five years in his basement. She was found partially chained near his dead body, wearing a diaper,” noted the veteran.

“she looks like …
She, who? The big spider or someone unrelated, why?

“Anyways, how’s your sister?” asked the ex convict.

Ex-convict and veteran or at the table, right? Gunman, who is this in the beginning of your story? Sister, another character who is…and what to this story?{c/}

“She’s still working at her medical office. She discovered that I had human papillomavirus some readers may not know what this is which may take them out of your story.{.c} , contracted from having sex, which evolved into terminal cancer spreading from my penis. Peeing burns a lot. Also, she’s living with her wife now.”

What does this virus have to do with the story?

The veteran covered his own eyes with a hand as the woman, without clothes, placed two identical covered dinner plates on the table and went to her bedroom, leaving her bedroom door open.

Naked, the woman tow covered dishes on the table, then went to her bedroom leaving the door open.
The veteran looked away or dropped his head, or turned his head, closed his eyes, or covered his eyes, but, maybe he looked closely as his eyes directed every inch of her ???body…

“A comrade always tells me that an unmarried man shouldn’t wastefully complicate life by treating women and men differently because kidnappers do,” said the veteran as the other man winked at her.

“Your comrade, a transwoman, a man who looks like a woman, might not know that men need sex. You can’t fight nature.”

Hum, what, and where is this going? Why?

“I don’t need sex. My father divorced my mother and found another woman. I’d never want to be a man of adultery or fornication. How could you know my nature?”

really, what is this about? Interesting but for me, it seems to need more information. Why is this in the story? More character development may help.

The ex convict didn’t eat anything but rather followed her into her bedroom while the veteran was finishing a drink of water. After he turned off the bedroom lights and closed the bedroom door, he went into bed with her while laughing with her.

motive?
Lusting for…his hunger abated, the convict…

Meanwhile, the veteran suddenly struggled to raise his own drooping head and open his own eyes after the drink. With his last amount of energy, the veteran uncovered a dinner plate: boiled human eyeballs and fried rats!

Who and why=motive?


Huge pregnant roaches crawled about her closed mouth, drank her foul saliva, and laid eggs in her weed-scented deformed throat. The front of her teeth was white but the back part of them was stained somewhat black. The inside of her hair smelled like condensed sweat and was riddled with bed bugs. She had not showered in a month. Her legs, coated with transparent urine, squeezed together to hide swollen genital warts. White roach guts were under her nails.

A fly crawled on her hand. She killed it between her palms, which rubbed its dead body like a poisonous cream. While silently farting, she secretly ate the flattened fly. She savored the flavor by keeping it in her mouth for about an hour like abandoned gum.

Show by rearranging the above words within the sentences. Make this action rather than description. Some description is good but the action is more like being in the story or watching a movie which captivates the reader and takes them into the story.

“It’s okay. I can’t hurt you” she sang after her rough feet kicked him off the bed and stomped on his body, strangling him so that he couldn’t yell. He tried to vomit twice.

While he was shocked by her sudden behavior, she took out a butcher knife and stabbed between his legs. He yelled in extreme pain while peeing blood. He limped without clothes as blood gushed down his inner thighs. He tried to open the bedroom door but she stabbed him again. He shouted under heavy pain and tried holding the dashed bleeding flesh dangling between his legs. Her quiet knife quickly slit his neck. He tried to scream while holding his ripped neck as blood erupted between fingers of his grip.

“I want to be in your arms tonight,” she sang while stabbing him repeatedly in the stomach. Then her sharp nails went inside the stab wound and tore open his bloody stomach. He slipped and fell down hard onto a puddle of his own blood, vomit, and intestines where she stabbed his squirming back ten times on the ground under his great convulsions of pain. She picked up his liver, dipped it in his vomit, and bit into it. He could see a dead baby under the bed with its head covered in drops of bitter breastmilk and blood. She laughed while stabbing between the ex convict’s ribs, drinking some of his blood, and licking her unclean fingers. Then he lost a lot of blood and never moved again.

If your intent is to slow the pace of your story this description works well. It leaves the reader time to digest the events.

“I’m getting paid from some weird foreigner to not kill your army friend,” she whispered with a grin as slimy chunks of her diarrhea exploded a sprayed stench on the floor. Then she opened the door and dragged his lifeless body into a bathtub of vinegar and cut lemons, before checking his pockets for money and putting price tags on the men’s clothes, phones, and shoes.

Who is paying her? Why? Did I miss something maybe?
Twisted ending, maybe or something else?

Your story ideas are a weird twist and turn of events, great! The characters are believable which keeps me interested in knowing more about them. The pace of your story is smooth and can be changed to create differences in scenes and characters and events when needed. The setting I understand but some of the characters are doing stuff that I do not understand. I like the story because It is intriguing, suspenseful, and has a huge amount of potential. When I write something I allow my imagination to run wild so I think we have a common ground in our story writing. Wild is good for energetic and interesting stories. I look forward to reading your edited version. Let me know when you’ve completed your editing andI’ll change the rating accordingly.
Please keep writing and sharing your awesome stories.

Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I appreciate being allowed to read and review for you.
Safe travels and many blessings.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .