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 Review #4559943 |
| Greetings kjmorgan! I am sending you a review of your story, "Invalid Item" . This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you. WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I saw blimprider's post on newsfeed where he mentioned your story. I read it on his recommendation and decided to review it as well. FIRST IMPRESSION: Jack was absolutely correct about your story. It is well put together and a very good read. WHAT WORKED: I always wondered what it would be like to be in a foreign country and need to seek emergent medical care. The process can be bewildering in one's own country, but add a different culture a huge language barrier and it would be downright terrifying! This story "went there" in a big way, with a satisfying ending. TITLE: I LOVE your title. It is absolutely perfect. The short description right underneath the title needs to be reworded just a bit. I think you have the right idea, but "without speaking the language" isn't clear. What about something like this: Retiring to a new country where she doesn't speak the language, Alice faces her first crisis. I'm not sure if that will fit in the character limit or not. SETTING: For the most part, I think you took care of setting very well. If I would suggest any improvement, you might consider adding a bit more description of the pharmacy/clinic using more colors, lighting, smells. It would give some additional weight to her experience there. CONFLICT: Alice moves to Mexico to get away from a crumbled marriage in her native Canada. She doesn't know anyone and she doesn't speak the language. She gets stung by a scorpion and doesn't know how to handle it. CHARACTERS: I like your main character. She's strong, stronger than she knows, but she's flawed as well. She clearly didn't think through the details of living in her current situation, and she didn't plan as well as she should have. She ends up having to trust complete strangers to help her through her crisis.I love your depiction of the Mexican family. The hispanic people I have known have had large, close-knit families. They spend a great deal of time together and are very involved in each other's lives. They often take on "stray" people that need that lack family support, absorbing them into their flock. To me, these are foreign but very endearing traits. It is just as foreign to the women in the story that a woman would be so much on her own and without the support of her family. NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. My goal is to help make your writing stronger, but it is up to you what will work for your story.The second sentence of the second paragraph contains a few of unnecessary words that interrupt the flow of your sentences, making it awkward. She dropped the insect instantly and now backed clumsily out of the shower and slammed the glass shower doors shut without even turning off the water. "Instantly" isn't needed, it is an unnecessary adverb. The action shows this without the word. Same thing with "now". Your reader understands the action is happening now, the word isn't necessary. The "and" between those two words is repetitive. You use it later in the sentence as well. Try replacing it with a comma instead. You don't need the "even" either. If she got out of the shower without turning off the water, your reader will get the idea. Try this version of the sentence on for size: She dropped the insect, backed clumsily out of the shower, and slammed the glass shower doors shut without turning off the water. One more thing about this sentence while we're at it. Using the adverb "clumsily" is showing, not telling about the action. Instead, describe what she did that was clumsy. Did she wack her elbow on the shower door, trip on the lip of the shower, or...? If you would like some help finding adverbs, passive voice, and a few other things, try this free web site http://www.hemingwayapp.com/. “I take you doctora now,” she said as Alice, she and her daughter arrived at the sidewalk.I was confused about who you were referring to here. Instead of using "she", use another descriptive word or phrase. What about "the woman"? It would be much more clear to your reader. When they arrived at a pharmacy, Beti stopped. I'm not sure if you meant to have a paragraph break there, or if there is an erroneous start of a new line here. One way or another, it is just a simple, easy to fix formatting issue. You have two different spelling for your Mexican female character. I understand what you are doing, Mexican spelling versus English spelling. I don't think it is necessary. They aren't spelled so differently that an English reader wouldn't recognize Beti, especially because Alice comments on it. Go back to spelling it Beti after her comment about it sounding like an English name. (Also, you mention American names...isn't Alice Canadian?) Alice felt an itch under her eyelids. I admit that I have no idea what this means. I actually thought it was another reaction to the scorpion sting. This might just be a cultural/language difference, however. All of these things in the Nuts & Bolts section are fairly small things, despite what it may look like. Omitting a word here, changing a word there, and you'll have a much smoother reading story. OVERALL IMPRESSION: I really think this story holds some serious promise and I enjoyed it very much. With a bit of polishing it would turn into a strong, well-written story. Thank you for sharing this and keep on writing!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/19/2020 @ 10:26am EDT