Hi Becca Winchester !

I found your poem on the Please Review page.

I like the story told here, and I think we can all relate to it in some form.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is hard to place. I didn't sense enough emotion in the text to get a feel for the tone. The diction is okay but could be more colorful, with similes or metaphors.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is good but sometimes a tad off, like rock/gawks. If you weren't going for exact rhymes, then no worries.

LINE STRUCTURE: METER, REPETITION:

I felt the lines were too short and the meter all throughout the whole piece was too inconsistent. It did not flow well and was awkward in some places. I usually try to pick a meter first so that I can "hear" how the lines sound as I'm writing them, even in my free verse, somewhat, but definitely in form poetry as you have here. Usually meter is described in iambic tetrameter or pentameter, but I'm a musician so I usually use a 4-count or 3-count rhythm in my mind to establish the meter. (I can do iambic pentameter, etc, but they're difficult LOL!) Then it creates a flow that really holds the poem together nicely.

SUGGESTIONS:

You asked for suggestions for a title, and I noticed a couple references to home being your "rock." Maybe that's a clue as to what title to give it?

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

You have a very strong topic to write about here, and I think this is an excellent draft, and with a little polishing and fine-tuning, it'll really be nice. Clean up some of the rhymes, choose a meter and stick to it, and throw in some poetic devices to spice it up a little. Stretch the imagination. You have a lot to work with here, so keep going!