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What Caught My Eye

I saw this in Read & Review and liked the title. I also like to review new people, and while you're not super new... you're still fairly new?

Favorite Aspects

The use of the Water/Nature names felt like an old myth. The tone of the story is reminiscent of one passed down verbally too, which adds to the myth vibes. I might consider using the myth genre... or ANY genre. People find your work to read while searching through genres. At the very least, I'd recommend using the nature genre.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

Well... "There once lived a man, his name was Water" is actually two sentences run together with commas. I'd go with "There once lived a man whose name was Water." or "There once lived a man named Water." Both are correct grammatically.

And to be honest, if I hadn't intended to review... I'd have stopped reading pretty soon after this because of the grammar. It just makes things harder to read.



This is 5 sentences run together with commas:

There once lived a man. His name was Water. He conquered the whole earth. His reign spread throughout the world, but his reign did not keep this man entertained. As calm and composed as he was, he was bored and irritated.

This also illustrates another thing that isn't super engaging: most sentences in this piece start with He/His. It's repetitive sounding. If it was spoken aloud (as mentioned, this sounds like a spoken narrative... that's the style), the He/Him wouldn't be as noticeable. In text, it is very noticeable. I'd recommend a little more variation

There's also a bit of waffling in here... he conquered the whole earth and THEN his reign spread. It should spread before you say he conquered the whole earth... or just leave out the spread. Is it spreading or done? Similarly, you can't be calm and irritated at the same time... that's hard to envision.

As for the ending, I like it. I like cynical stuff. I think it works for the story itself. It has the same types of grammar issues (run-ons and whatnot). The only other thing that could be stronger for me involves Nature. Water is technically a part of Nature. This itched at me throughout.

Now, if NATURE had been on the lookout for a mate and found Water, well... that makes a little more sense. Or if Water was just one of Nature's children, along with siblings Sky and Land... something like that. Or if the other character was Earth/Land/Soil... that would make total sense.

Plot

Super cute in the telling, very serious in message. It's one of my favorite parts.

Character(s)

I think a little personification could help, but it's not necessary. Aside from the name/idea change for Nature, I've got no suggestions.

Effect

Alright, Nate... in the end, this is a first draft with potential. It's readable and the story comes across, but the words themselves are rough. That's the reason for the rating. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .