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 Review #4509942 |
 |  | I Never Knew You  [18+] Just a humble opinion on the Christian Vs. Atheist debate.  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Round VII: September 1, 2019 - October 7, 2019     Hello John, John Shenandoah , I'm Whata. Nice to read your item "I Never Knew You" you entered into "The 4 Controversies Contest" Thanks for sharing your work with the 4C's contest, and the WDC community. And a big welcome to the community, as well   OBLIGATORY BLURB This is where I tell you I am not an editor, but a reader who dabbles in writing. I likely will not point out every typo or error, but if I mention more than one, you should definitely give it another read-through for edits. No reader wants to trip over too many mistakes—although it is part of the process we go through as we learn how to write more effectively. If I stumble over something, I will likely mention it here with a suggestion for improvement. Although I am a bit of a hard 'butt' when it comes to reviewing non-fiction, I also like to consider myself supportive of everyone’s writing efforts. Please realize that a 5-  rating means very-near PERFECTION to moi. A 3- Rating is AVERAGE on WdC! If your write receives a 3.5 Rating it is considered ABOVE AVERAGE. Please see "Comment-In-A-Box" and "Guidelines To Great Reviewing" .Do take my suggestions or leave ‘em, as you see fit—it's your 'baby'  Indeed, always listen to your own instincts for developing or keeping your own style (unless it proves incorrect on further analysis). That said, I do hope you find my review helpful to your writing efforts! Please do not hesitate to send me a message if you'd like any clarifications, or to request another review if the changes you have since made are substantial. I’m slow, but interested! Ba da ba BING CONTENT COMMENTS I really like how your title is tied in to your write, then revealed at the end. I can still hear my own pastor saying, "I never knew you!" Your write is first and foremost some of the strongest in tone; your opinions are chop-chop-chop coming one after the other, and very decisive. Opinions are the most important requisite of the 4C's Contest, and I definitely want to say 'kudos'! Good job. You also approached this as a serious, intellectual paper, (rather than an emotional one). This might be something you would write in college, but you related it to yourself enough for it to not be boring  Again, good job on the plenitude of opinions.There is very little for the sides to agree on, so any possible dialogues are dead in the water. This essay is a critique of such thinking and encourages people to simply be nicer to each other. Nice mission statement! Sets out your intentions from the get-go. The two sentences could easily be combined for it to truly be a 'statement' but I don't think it much matters. Reminds me of the study of 'aplogetics', a weird name meaning to defend your faith, and the Christian's themselves as 'apologists'  As if one is apologizing for their faith, when really they are in defense of it. Gotta love English, right? It's become a real study now and you have excellent reasons why herein  Thank you for the footnotes you added! Laymen like me, yeah, we really need those  Oh, also, when you make changes to the first footnote, it will update the rest automatically by number, just in case you aren't aware. I like that about WdC!Thank you for your comments on Dawson. I do think I will read some of that. I've read the others, although not for a long time... oh and also I want to take a gander at Hegel. GENERAL SUGGESTIONS You have rated this piece accordingly (but please also see suggestion 'a'), and the sub-genres are great. I would nitpick that it should be under 'Non-Fiction' instead of 'Essay' as it makes it easier for me to find on site searches. I go scouting for Non-Fiction pieces Yeah, I'll just need to add 'Essay' into my searches methinks!While your good writing and subject material trumped any stumbling I did over errors, another round of editing would finish this piece accordingly (there's just a few issues here and there in addition to any suggestions I mentioned below). Enjoyed this!  EDIT Suggestion (A) I hate to bring this up, but you are probably expecting me to anyway: that 'masturbatory' adjective isn't going to cut the 13+ rating on WdC  So, if you want to keep it, you should be rating the piece 18+. If you decide to use another word, perhaps 'self-indulgent', your 13+ is just fine. I know that sucks, but in all fairness this isn't about a sexual topic where you can easily segue this into the write, it's theme is on 'Faith'. But there is a forum where you can ask to be sure! "Content Rating Support" EDIT Suggestion (B) "The sea of faith was once too at the full and round earth's shore." This very famous poem should be directly quoted with all its punctuation intact. The footnote would be best included at the end of this first line, because while I was fairly sure, I still had to look it up to be certain it was part of the closing line of your item, as well as the longer stanza about two-thirds of the way in. You have it floating and not even in the footnotes, but I had the impression you were literally on the move when you wrote this Makes it more difficult for you! The only way to eliminate any confusion would be to footnote the two quotes separately, and then the stanza: all three would be identical footnotes. Can't think of another way to do that, unless you want to use a 'Popnote'. OH! Just incorporate the credit into your sentence... DUH. That's the other way The second quoted line also needs to be quoted exactly, unless you would like to forego the quotation marks entirely... I'm afraid it would be written thus: But now I only hear Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar... In this way, the ellipses will take the place of the last but missing comma, and the lines following it EDIT Suggestion (C) Then there are those in the middle. Caught in the crossfire of being called "irrational idiots" by one side and "sinners" by the other. They have no camp, being made of a diverse group of people who all believe slightly different, often incompatible ideas. The way these are written, there are reference issues. I would suggest re-wording just a few words, or punctuating a bit differently, so they flow better. Even commas keep the subjects together, but it is also perhaps a stylistic judgment and up to you For example: Then there are those who are in the middle: caught in the crossfire of being called 'irrational idiots' by one side and 'sinners' by the other they have no camp, being made of a diverse group of people who all believe slightly different, often incompatible ideas. Note also the single quotation marks, because you aren't quoting an actual source by name. I really like the language here, your verbiage is descriptive and your vocabulary wide with sound concepts. EDIT Suggestion (D) Where the castle or the princess? Suggest: Where is the castle, the princess? EDIT Suggestion (E) ...being the pain afflicted against another person. ...being the pain inflicted against another person. EDIT Suggestion (F) You believe in a God that created in the universe and hung the stars one by one in the sky. Just nix the word 'in' above. EDIT Suggestion (G) ...you claim to profess and to the God, you claim to serve. No comma FINAL THOUGHTS Faith is by its very nature spiritual, the Christians need not fight on the battlefield at all. Secure in their beliefs, they should offer only the love promised to them by Jesus. This is really a lovely statement, and one I wholeheartedly have thought about myself over the years and even more since I've posted this contest. Everything about the KJV Bible is about the Lord being the one and only judge of man—we're not supposed to judge others! We are supposed to use our common sense and employ discernment in determining if someone is not 'good' for us to be around or to trust, but we are not to judge. Somehow this fact, peppered throughout the Bible, has been incredibly ignored over the centuries. I think of this as the key to being kind. It's kinda hard to be a kind person when you're constantly judging other people, which leads to gossiping (not so good-naturedly) and in-fighting behavior. I wanted to end with this because I found it the most profound. You use a lot of strong language, political and religious terminology, and examples throughout which are refreshing: I found myself looking a couple up in the dictionary So thank you for the lesson! While I do not agree with everything you say, I do not have to—what you have here is well-written and thought-provoking. Thanks for entering this, and I definitely hope to see you for the next round John, probably— well, let's just say anywhere from January to April. I wing it  (Adrienne) or just 'Whata'    How-To for WdC Stuff WhataLand Warehouse Click Da Pics to Magically POOF! There Lessons to Play With  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/20/2019 @ 3:08pm EDT