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 Review #4509439 |
 | Faith  [E] Four Controversies Entry  |
| (3.5)| Round VII: September 1, 2019 - October 7, 2019     Hello Chris aka Marvin, Chris Breva , Whata here and it’s great to read your item "Faith" that you entered into "The 4 Controversies Contest" Thanks for entering my contest, and also for sharing your work with the us, the WDC community! OBLIGATORY BLURB This is where I tell you I am not an editor, but a reader who dabbles in writing. I likely will not point out every typo or error, but if I mention more than one, you should definitely give it another read-through for edits. No reader wants to stumble over too many mistakes, but it is part of the process we go through as we learn how to write more effectively. Although I am a bit of a hard 'butt' when it comes to reviewing non-fiction—and especially while judging my 4C’s contests—I also like to consider myself supportive of everyone’s writing efforts. Please realize that a '5'  rating means very-near PERFECTION to moi. However, do take my suggestions or leave ‘em, as you see fit—it's your 'baby'  Indeed, always listen to your own instincts for developing or keeping your own style (unless it proves incorrect). I hope you find my review helpful to your writing efforts, but please do not hesitate to send me a message if you'd like any clarifications on it, or to request another review if the changes you have since made are substantial. Fair warning: I’m slow  Ba da ba BING! CONTENT COMMENTS An interesting life you’re leading now, and from the hints herein, your past, also! I suppose we’re all pretty interesting people though, when we care to try to get to know peeps. Anyways! I mentioned once before that the Salvation Army was one of the few places that really helped my sister and mom and me as a young kid, so I have a soft spot for it I still donate to them rather than sell stuff. I find it amazing that you are pursuing a degree in Psychology as you work as a Chaplain and in the Salvation Army! But it will only help in your work, of course.I enjoy your use of ‘Faith’ as a verb, and the examples you give of action-based faith are refreshing. I found myself agreeing with you in many places. You are blessed indeed to be able to do God’s work physically and emotionally, both which can be very hard for many people. Suffering is hard to see, let alone counsel. My body’s such a wreck I can’t do volunteering, as I am really housebound. I do some counseling online for those with my illnesses, as most are rare and it is so needed, but even that I have to limit. My pastor says the disabled are living examples of the faithful, but I still struggle with wanting to be more useful. You would do very well to begin an autobiography; I think your views and experiences can be motivating I did one and while pretty difficult, it was also helpful to some people, and freeing for me. Although any freer and you might float away   A couple more rounds through the spellchecker, some editing for grammar and punctuation, and I would be able to rate this higher, although it doesn’t take away from your story. The "The 4 Controversies Contest" was designed to center around Politics, Psychology, Religion, and Science; we covered Faith under Religion this round specifically as I really wanted to read about it! But all rounds must incorporate a lot of opinions in the entries. Yours had opinions, but I would call it more on the light side opinion-wise, as it was most definitely more autobiographical and insular. That’s okay! But again, it has to lower my rating some, and I wanted you to understand why (as this is your first time entering). Again, would love to see this incorporated into an autobiography GENERAL SUGGESTIONS I think all writes on Religion in general should be rated ASR. Obviously if there’s talk of persecution or more vivid descriptions, it could go 13+ or even 18+ with more violence. But because there’s kids on the site, I highly recommend an ASR rating at the least for all entries this round, and yours sits very well at ASR. More opinions that relate to religion outside of your life here and there (perhaps a couple bigger issues you might pontificate on) would be nice. I won’t repeat any suggestions Lilli has made so not to be redundant, but I’ll point out a few corrections you may want to make more quickly. Yup, definitely some more editing, just so the reader doesn’t stumble too much over errors, but nothing egregious where your meaning cannot be understood  You have me curious to learn more, and perhaps as I continue to read your blog, I will!  EDIT Suggestion (A) I appreciate the quote on the Definition of Faith from Hebrews! Nice. Oh, just a typo at the end of the quote: a '>' character, instead of a period. EDIT Suggestion (B) Thunder cracked and lightning flashed but there was no rain. An example of how writing with commas will allow your reader to take a pause, and will only compliment your writing. I would use commas here like this: Thunder cracked, and lightning flashed, but there was no rain. Commas, semi-colons, colons, emdashes—my personal favorite—help the reader to take natural pauses so their brains can intake the information {emdash}. May not be the true definition for punctuation, but that's pretty much how I think of it! EDIT Suggestion (C) I know by faith that it was another small blessing that the Holy Spirit bestowed upon me. I totally get this. Your examples may not be earth-shattering, but I do so get them. To me they highlight the differences in even what some may consider normal experiences, when you have Him in your life. And this could be about any diety (just to be completely open here). Nice. EDIT Suggestion (D) It was clouding up to storm and seemed the rain was imminent. Here you need the 'it' to make the sentence seem less choppy. Yes, there's a technical term somewhere floating in my brain, but suffice it to say don't leave these little words out. There's a few missing throughout It was clouding up to storm, and it seemed the rain was imminent. EDIT Suggestion (E) Last Spring, the corps set out to renovate a building and start a program called Pathways of Hope, which will be a community center offering social services. (I am suggesting the title in italics—certainly you can also include single quotation marks.) EDIT Suggestion (F) My specialty in life is people. And this is where your sometimes more abrupt way of writing shines. Nice! My talent lies with the cats. I have a great meme... "You know what I like best about people? Cats." Love it! I'm just introverted is all EDIT Suggestion (G) I hesitate, but I found two structure/unity issues that would really benefit from being moved. (1). Paragraph beginning: "Another reason I need the uniforms is because"... would best be housed UNDER paragraph beginning: "The position I am taking will start out as a part-time"... (2). Second-to-last paragraph, beginning with the words: "Blessings are not to be taken for granted"... moved UP and directly incorporate it into the fourth-to-last paragraph, after the words: "I'm blessed." This will keep your subjects together better FINAL THOUGHTS Oh dear, I was chatty in here wasn't I Ah well. I hope you enter this contest again, Marvin! Looking at another round perhaps after the holidays, and for SURE I know you're going to be so busy during them. Thank you for the 'good works' you do in the name of your 'Faith', and for sharing a part of your philosophy with us  (Adrienne) or just 'Whata'    How-To for WdC Stuff WhataLand Warehouse Click Da Pics to Magically POOF! There Lessons to Play With  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/14/2019 @ 7:05am EDT