Hello, charitykountz!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Initially I thought that this was a perfect opening. You successfully introduced the protagonist, gave her an immediate problem to solve, and implied conflict. All good so far. It was only toward the end of the chapter that I realised there were a few issues with the first few paragraphs.

In this opening, the house initially appears tiny, with Mom humming in the kitchen easily audible from the front door, and Reyna concerned that her mom will hear her. Even the stables didn't change this impression, since even the meanest farmhouse had a stable prior to tractors. There's no hint at all of the kitchen being downstairs and the main living quarters upstairs or of their being multiple servants to watch out for too. The problem is that I was then thrown twice in the later story - when I heard they were entertaining the King and when it became obvious that their house was either a mansion or a palace. I'd recommend that you better set both her status and wealth before the woods.

Would you say board or gate on a stable gate? We call farm gates five bar gates in the uk. Do you have another name for them?

https://charltonsgates.com/product-category/five-bar-gates/

Characters — are they well rounded?


Rubert is my favourite character so far. Although I'm not keen on the rather telling way you first described him, listing his clothes and physical attributes like on a police crime suspect report, he is a deliciously appealing, classic villain. You can imagine him twirling his greasy moustache. I love his actions and foul attitude. He's a great antagonist.

Reyna is a solid, strong female protagonist. She's also very sympathetic. You've gotta love that backstory. However, toward the end of the chapter, you introduce a wonderful hook with the mention of a dark secret in Reyna's past, but then immediately resolve this question within a few paragraphs. Why not leave this as a question to be answered in a later chapter so that learning about her birth and adoption turns into a page turning mystery?

Josiah and Gorland are adequately introduced, and it's kinda clear that Josiah is the Mentor figure for your Hero's Journey, so I guess he'll only be around for a few chapters. I also wouldn't be surprised to learn he's secretly Reyna's father.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


Overall, an excellent plot with clear and interesting conflict.

Why the final paragraph? You'd just set up a wonderful cliffhanger with lots of rising tension, then dissipated it by providing the answer and alleviating the tension with that one paragraph. Why not use that to begin chapter two, so that chapter one ends with a compelling question?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


It's all good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Generally, your narrative is clear and easy to follow. However, here are a few thoughts.

In your word document, do a search for the word "just". Delete 9/10 of them. You use it in paragraph after paragraph in the centre of the chapter, and it's a stall word.

I'm a little concerned by your fondness for was/were and/or passive constructions. Consider this section:

I waved and joined him as he walked a short distance into the trees. Expertly hidden in the shadows was a small hut. The exterior walls were built with wooden logs and mud. The roof was covered with interlaced giant leaves. A heavy wooden door was the only entrance.

Now, consider:

As he walked a short distance into the trees, I waved and joined him. His hut stood expertly hidden in the shadows. Wooden logs and mud made up the exterior walls, and interlaced giant leaves covered the roof. A heavy wooden door formed the only entrance.

The room smelled like fresh pine, heavy smoke, and cooked rabbit, the scent remnants of last night’s dinner. -> consider ways to express this that show how the viewpoint narrator feels about the settings. Also, just saying that the room smells like something is a bit direct. Consider, for example: The homely aroma of fresh pine and cooked rabbit permeated the cosy room. She could guess what Josiah had for dinner last night.

Thank you so much, Josiah!” -> especially in the opening chapter and this day and age, I feel you need to show some reaction from Josiah here that shows he's not a sexual predator. Common reactions are the man blushing and looking uncomfortable. The problem is that the reader doesn't yet know their relationship, and you've got a 15-years-old girl sneaking out of her house, obviously with her mom's disapproval, to meet up with a middle-aged loner in the woods who gives her expensive gifts... See where I'm going with this?

You have a bright future, don’t throw that away.” -> this is two sentences

Get bathed and get downstairs. -> these should probably be the other way around, Go downstairs and bathe.

Before I could even pick up a plate, my father began tapping his fork against a glass to gain everyone’s attention. -> began is a stall word that should generally be avoided, my father tapped. You don't need to state why he tapped the glass since it can be inferred from the context.

He cleared his throat, then began speaking, -> began!

Thank you all for joining us to celebrate the 15th birthday of our daughter Reyna. -> a few paragraphs earlier, you wrote out fifteenth. Be consistent, and it's generally better to write out smaller numbers rather than use numerals. Plus, he actually already said exactly the same thing to his guests immediately after tapping that glass.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Except for the confusion over the nature of her home in the opening, Reyna's universe is well introduced and interesting.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


I like the feminist issues raised, like a girl's right to choose and her interest in having a career beyond that ascribed to her by society.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

To post an individual chapter rather than a book, you type {entry:946779} to give "Invalid Entry" . It's not as visually good as a {bitem:xxxxxxxxx} entry, but it works.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


This is a strong start to your novel. I think that you need to use slightly more active prose and avoid the temptation to resolve your various conflicts before the end of the chapter.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .