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 Review #4448629 |
 | A Place Of Refuge  [18+] Naomi & her daughter are hungry. To survive, they must find food - 2nd Oct '18 Short Shots  |
| (4.0)| Hi, Christopher Roy Denton , I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story. Here's what I  best about "A Place Of Refuge" - The opening paragraph captured the danger and tension of the post-apocalyptic setting perfectly. Establishing a crossbow as the very first subject in the story had quite an impact on me -- right away, I felt there must be a physical threat of some sort, and it created an anticipation of violence and action. Within this one paragraph, you introduced the story setting, main characters, the conflict and drew the reader in through the tangible atmosphere. That is some skill.  1) Plot:Naomi finds and explores an abandoned basement with her daughter, kills two armed men with ease, and then makes the decision to eat them after considering/labelling them as 'animals'. I hope this honesty isn't too brutal -- I felt that the central conflict was muddled. In the beginning, it appeared to be a fight against the elements -- exposure. Then the rising action took place in the form of an armed melee, brief and bloody. Now the conflict seems to be how to deal with human threats. Then some sort of existential/moral 'struggle' seems to take place as Naomi is forced to choose between chasing down an escaped rat, enduring hunger, scavenging, or turning cannibal. Personally I would have preferred to have the story focus on just one of these conflicts and explore its ramifications in this particular context. E.g. what sort of dangers (perhaps new, unexpected?) does a post-apocalyptic climate pose? How can we overcome them? Or if humans are the threat, how do they equip themselves with skills or whatever's necessary to survive in this new harsh world? How will an ex-teacher and an innocent child stand a chance against such other survivors? If the idea of cannibalism is the main conflict, how about going deeper into the obstacles Naomi faces trying to prepare or ingest human flesh? Does it taste bad? Does the idea or knowledge of where it came from choke her? Does she fall ill from eating it due to foreign bacteria? Just my two cents!  )2) Characterization: Naomi and India are well-described with as much depth as a story of such length might allow. My deep love of post-apocalyptic stories and characters, however, would love to understand more about her. Where's India's dad? How have they been surviving -- scavenging? How did she learn her skills? Why were they in a hut? Since she was accustomed to poor light I think that this raises more questions (did her hut not have windows? is the whole world covered in smog, in which case everyone would be accustomed and this isn't particular to Naomi) that it develops Naomi's character in any way, so maybe you can save yourself some words here! This is nitpicking but some things just don't click for me about Naomi -- how is it that an ex-teacher (of which subject?) who has somehow survived the apocalypse doesn't know to erase her tracks even though she's aware of danger all around her, or not to light a fire and let the smoke attract attention, but she can do a dodge-kill blow combo to someone who obviously has fought before... As someone who has gotten in a few scrapes, I know that people who start a fight are either drunk/stupid or have bullied their way to 'victory' before, and know how to 'handle themselves'. So it baffles me that Naomi exhibited the uncertainty of someone new to melee violence could somehow execute her movie-worthy manoeuvre. “Can’t you just kill their friends too?” Okay. I just ran away screaming. That is Damien (from Omen) reborn in a girl's body. God save us all. 3) Voice/Style:Her thoughts had grown paranoid, but nowadays paranoia was a good thing. desperate people did desperate things. Two instances of repetition here so close to each other might dilute the effect, I fear? a true treasure trove. Just think how many fires so much paper could light! Haha, I like how you somehow manage to slip in a little of your distinctive humour.  5) Grammar & Diction:These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue. the padlock snapped open with ease. “Cheap foreign garbage.” Would it be better to put the dialogue in a new paragraph? floor-to-ceiling bookshelf An honest-to-goodness pack of matches I was taught that using phrases as an adjective requires using those hyphens, but it could really be a stylistic rather than a grammar thing. FINAL THOUGHTS Compared to your earlier post-apocalyptic stories, I think this one could do with a bit more chill factor and focus. Thanks for a great read! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/31/2018 @ 3:31am EDT