Hello, andersdwa!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Your opening paragraph is excellent. It shows that your protagonist is in prison and gives the reader a good idea of the conditions there. It also introduces the conflict of 'fear'. I'm pleased that we didn't have to wait long for Father Mike to tell us that the protagonist is called Cody, and the priest's introduction goes a long way to showing the reader Cody's situation. The dilemma that Cody faces (what to say, what to keep quiet) soon becomes clear.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Cody is definitely a sympathetic character with lots of interesting background details. However, I don't think I could pick him out of a crowd. I mean, I have no idea what he physically looks like right now. Has he got distinguishing tattoos? Maybe even a Clare tattoo, his first ever, and obviously the standard prison tattoos, whatever they are these days. Is he large, small, short, tall, bald? Hint at a few things.

Before I discovered that Cody had been locked up for 25 years, I assumed he was a fairly young man and recently imprisoned. When I learned his mom died in 1965, and assuming that this story is set now, it completely changed my image of what he might look like etc. I'd suggest that you try to get hints about his maturity into the first few paragraphs, maybe by comparison with the young guy described in the opening paragraph and stating something as simple as 'I guess I must have looked just like him twenty-five years ago'.

We need to know more about Father Mike. Maybe he's an ex-boxer with a broken nose or an old marine with interesting hula girl tattoos. Anything, really. These 'sessions' are an important part of your story opening, and Mike's intercession is important for Cody to achieve parole, so show us more about this priest in prison.

Clare is cute. I like your descriptions of her so far, and the reflected descriptions of teenage Cody. I DO have an idea of what Cody looked like when he was a youth.

Plot — is it driving the story?


The revelation that Cody's parents died violently in front of him, that he was abused by his stepfather, and that he went to court to determine his future are all really interesting points. However, they move on to pretty 'resolved' stuff, where the conflicts appear to be behind him. His childhood after court appears to have been good and his first job sounds idyllic. His cute meet with Clare is nice. But all these things do not scream of conflict. The dialogue between Clare and Cody sometimes appears to be argumentative, but it's clearly not. They're clearly flirting with one another.

So, your chapter begins with interesting conflict where, a) we learn that he has to go through some counseling in order to get parole and b) we learn he had a tragic start to life. But then the plot descends into Mayberry, if you catch my drift. The final scenes are like the story of every teenage boy ever, an awkward first date with an equally shy girl. The tension actually decreases as the chapter proceeds until you leave the whole chapter on the point of a cute date and eating junk food.

Ideally, you should be building up to some kind of hook by the end of the chapter, maybe even a cliffhanger. For example, leave the chapter on a moment when it appears that Clare may have decided that Cody is a scumbag and show Cody's fears that he'll never see her again, that he's blown it. Raise questions toward the chapter end. Remind the reader that Cody's parole rides on what happens at these sessions. As it is, although there is a brief reminder somewhere between two of the flashbacks, the reader has probably forgotten why he's in the meetings by the chapter end.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The pacing of the scenes isn't too bad, but the slowing down toward the chapter end isn't the best way to create page-turning fiction.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Cody's actual voice is fine. The chapter itself is a bit of a mess because you appear to have made multiple copy and paste errors and so repeated huge sections of text (whole scenes) multiple times making the chapter twice as long as it should be with repeated text.

Notes

whine about the things their parent’s did that put their lives in a tailspin. -> typo, parents not parent's

I’ve know most of the men in group for years; -> typos - known and 'in the group' or 'in this group'

I have made peace with most of my ghosts, but there are still a few who haunt me.” -> there's a basic punctuation rule that when a speech goes over several paragraphs, only opening speech marks " are used. The end ones in this sentence are omitted because it's the last sentence of this spoken paragraph. When you get to the very final paragraph of the speech, THEN you have end quotation marks. However, to be honest, it's probably better if you simply break up the speech by inserting small but significant actions between the paragraphs that remind the reader where we are and what's happening as well as adding to 'mood', eg. have Cody gaze around to judge the reactions of his fellow prisoners to one of his revelations. Perhaps mention specific reactions of certain people, like Father Mike, in some detail, and have Cody wonder what said reaction means.

http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/

When I was a kid, I lived with my mom and her husband in-> wouldn't he be more likely to say 'stepdad' than 'her husband'?

and had she only been in her right mind when she me him -> typo. When she met him -> you know that this kind of basic typo would be picked up by the free version of Grammarly if you installed it on your computer. Just Google it for info or read about it on Wikipedia.

“My mom died in 1965 on a Saturday afternoon a week before Easter -> a Catholic might say something like 'the day before Palm Sunday'.

Fortunate for me, whenever anyone dies from other than natural causes, -> Fortunately for me,

a few seconds later when we heard a gunshot from the basement apartment. -> since you've already established their positions, you can delete 'from the basement apartment' without losing the reader.

Can you tell us about the boy. -> question mark

Patrolman Robert Edwards and I arrived on scene at 7734 South Rhoades Avenue in response to a shots-fired call -> this contradicts the lady's testimony. She stated that she called when Cody's mom began to scream, and later felt justified when she heard the first shot. Since the call would have been recorded by the switchboard operator, he would know this.

CORONER: Continue Sergeant Sweeny. What happened next? -> comma after 'continue', even though it's a super short sentence.

“Don’t worry son. Everything is going to be all right.” -> given that this sentence spoken by the judge is extremely similar to that spoken by the police sergeant, I'd expect some kind of reaction from Cody, most likely a denial/distrust of what he said.

The coroner ruled my parents death a murder—suicide -> parents' death -> this notion wasn't at all clear in the Coroner's report. With Cody holding the gun, it sounded like he shot his stepdad.

For some reason, you repeat word for word the first two scenes within chapter one here, so the text appears to be a third longer than it really is.

The judge had had it with Mrs. Bohannon, and didn’t wait for her recommendation.” -> he's already heard her recommendation: Lincoln.

Charlie puts his foot up on the prison conference room table which draws a look of disapproval from Father Mike. -> I would have said 'chapel conference room table' or even just 'table' - a disapproving glare, tighter.

“No. I don’t like it. She’s seven and that’s way too young for war-paint, but all the kids wear it, even the five year-olds, so she can’t not wear it.” -> five-year-olds -> you've made it clear that he's a regular on the show circuit, so why wouldn't he know this? Why would he ask Clare about something he should know if he's hung around these kids for so long?

“Are you really so eager to make fun at me?” -> make fun of me.

Equitation events aren’t too demanding. The horses are broke to death, typically in their teens -> Equestrian events

Our prison guard pops his head into the conference room and announces, “Time to wrap it up, Father.” -> after this sentence, you again repeat part of the courtroom scene and the following equestrian scene.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


I like how you describe prison life through the new prisoner in the opening sentence, and there's lots of nice descriptions around the equestrian shows. However, I'd like to know more about the smell and feel of this conference room. More about what the prisoners wear, maybe scratchy shirts and the smell of disinfectant permeating the air. I don't know, but you've got to make the reader feel like they're in there with Cody and Father Mike. In particular, SHOW what the arrangement of chairs is around this table. I was actually surprised to find that there was a table, since in movies with this kind of thing it's just plastic chairs arranged in a circle with everybody fully visible to everyone else at the meeting.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


The premise of these confession sessions to get parole is a good one and your opening is very strong, but you do have a problem of declining interest as the chapter proceeds. It's not that the cute date isn't interesting, it's that prison confessions and a murder-suicide are MORE interesting, so you begin with the really good stuff but then get less interesting as the chapter proceeds and leave it on a squib rather than a rocket.

Do something at the end to dramatically increase the tension, such as Father Mike taking him aside and warning him if he doesn't begin to dish out the good stuff soon then he won't be able to approve his parole. Something to increase conflict and tension and leave the reader wanting to turn the page at the chapter end.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .