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 Review #4377599 |
| Hello, Cadie here giving you a second review on behalf of "Naughty and Nice November ~ CLOSED" . This review is given as part of your prize for winning auction package 7. This review is the opinion of ONE author, it is meant to help and not hurt.The way it was written was creative and the prompt was followed well. Personally, I thought the characters were a bit forced and stiff; the story in general moved too quickly. I understand there was a word count limit, you kept within that count but I think you could have used more of the limits to create something better. Examples, and Suggestions Feeling his face flush, he turned quickly but the scathing repartee that was balanced on the end of his tongue dissolved. “Julie?” he asked in astonishment. He knew it was her even as he felt a flood of emotions renew the color in his cheeks. "Feeling his face flush", and yet "a flood of emotions renew the color in his cheeks." So he's turning extremely red? I understand that he's embarrassed when he's asked the question but then when he realizes who's standing next to him he becomes flushed more. Her familiar laughter was answer enough. “Oh my gosh, what’s it been? Two years?” “Actually, it’s been three years since you dumped me,” she said with a wicked grin. “I didn’t … It was …” he stammered, indignation crossing his face. “I love it when you falter like that,” she laughed. She reached up and patted his cheek. “Poor Chris.” The last brought another laugh to her lips. The situation doesn't seem natural. This last part "Poor Chris" sounds like she's making fun of him. You might look at adding more description to the story. “You have a good memory,” Chris grinned. He glanced at her hand and didn’t see a ring. “Say, would do you have time for a cup of coffee?” If he's still stammering, I think there should be some ellipses (...) placed after would. If he's not stammering then "would" does not fit with the sentence. “And I’m not spoken for? I saw you looking for a ring. No, I’m very much single. You caught me between affairs.” Chris wasn’t sure if she was serious or not until he saw the devilish twinkle in her eyes. “Ok, ok – you got me again,” he finally said. “It feels like old times.” “I’ll avoid the honeydew’s if you’ll forgo the cucumbers,” he shot back, feeling more comfortable with unexpectedly meeting her. “Very good, Chris. Very good. I’ll see you there in fifteen minutes,” she threw over her shoulder as she waved and headed for the front of the store. I think I've figured out what is wrong with this story. There are inside jokes that the reader doesn't get, because there's no history brought out between the characters. According to the prompt, there should be some love between these characters. So far I haven't seen it. There's no emotion shown on his part. Where's the desire that he should feel for her since he's supposed to have loved her. Did she love him, do they get back together? What happens next? You've got a great foundation for a more in depth story. I hope that you decide to make more out this than what it is. These two, with the way they go back and forth with each other, probably have had some really hot nights. Right now I don't see them spending the night together even though they've spent time getting to know each other again. They seem more friends than lovers. Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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