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Review #4375773
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Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Buenos dias, Marcell Aron Forrester!
This isn't bad for one of your 1st pieces on here. I don't read sci/fi as much as I used to, but I like the idea of the monolith 'calling' them and knowing their past. Kind of creepy.
I think you could expand on this if you gave it some back story. You've got a good plot going so far.
Sorry to be so picky, but I did spot a few niggles:
'...as they made their first steps(,) into the unknown' (don't need that comma)
'...as their limited air supply will run out soon, if they make this trip longer than expected. ('would' 'made'-you changed the tense of the story from past to present)
'...not sure whether he('d) just gone mad...'
'That was the moment(,) when the monolith started to call them...'
You're also using a lot of semi-colons incorrectly. Truth is there's really no need for any in this. Commas would be more appropriate.
Otherwise, good job.
Kee ponw ritin gon, Marcell, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here!
PS-You might want to get your biography set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite authors/books, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course.
PPS-Since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window. to get a feel of Writing.Com and introduce yourself to the community!

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