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 Review #4348588 |
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| (3.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Creeper Of The Realm  OVERALL IMPRESSION - You included enough information to know what Havock is all about, what he wants, and what lengths he will go to when someone tries to play him. The structure of the story took away from the story itself and made it difficult to follow. A good edit could fix the flow. I did have a big question. If his clothing fell into the toilet, how could he wear them out of the apartment? It didn't feel like it would be a natural thing. WHAT I LIKED BEST - Havock's revenge was quite impressive. I also liked that things didn't go so smoothly for him. You showed every obstacle that presented itself on his path to gratification. PLOT~ Havock likes his superpowers and is hoping that it will be able to really help him with the ladies. He sees his girlfriend Tanya at the grocery store where she's made a mess of nail polish and he has to clean it up. After work, he is excited to get over to her house and have sex. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT~ Havok with the powers to vibrate at an extreme pace. He doesn't like being played, especially by Tanya and makes sure he leaves her with a gift. TECHNICAL~ on isle-aisle{.b} eight. As he was thinking on the best way to clean it up. His girlfriend told him to use nail polish remover or rubbing alcohol. <--- this should be one sentence. As it stand the first sentence is more of a fragment. Finally ---needs a comma both was-were ready for desert. bed room.--one word This really needs a good edit. There are missing words and punctuation throughout the story. Grammarly is free if you are interested is using it. www.grammarly.com   
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You responded to this review 08/08/2017 @ 7:19pm EDT