Hi. My name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Contractor" 
Author Eogin
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Your fictional world! It's cohesive and well-thought-out. I also liked the characterization of the narrator--a cold-blooded careerist if ever there was one.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job orienting the readers. We know where the narrator is at, who he is meeting, and have some sense of the situation in that he's "leaving the dying to the streets." You also use subjective sensations like his heart beating faster, which helps to draw readers into his head.

I do wish that you had found a way to name your narrator, as this is another way to draw readers inside his head and hence into the story.

                                                             
Plot
You have a good plot, but it's lacking in tension. I think some minor tweaks could add tension, improve the twist at the end, and strengthen the plot. Please bear with me.

Characters need to have goals, and yours has one: advance his career. The goals have to matter--these are the stakes. And there need to be obstacles. Plot arises in a story from the conflict inherent between goals and obstacles. The stakes tell us why the outcome matters and contribute to the tension in the story.

You've got all these basic elements, but I think you could tweak thing to improve the tension and the plot. In the first paragraph, for example, he clearly wants to impress Maya, but we don't learn it's because of his career until later. We never quite learn why advancing his career is important--what happens if he fails to impress her? Her assessment and its consequences for his advance should drive the plot and create tension in the readers' imaginations.

So the tension could build in the story as he awaits Maya's judgement and his next assignment. That particular tension is released when he learns he's got a new assignment. What I would suggest changing about the ending is to make his new assignment Earth.

Throughout the story, there's no reason to think he's NOT on Earth, and it turns out that's where he is. For me, that made the ending fall flat, although it reads like you intended it to be a twist. However, during the story you establish that he's a Destroyer of Worlds. If at the end Maya praises him for destroying the humanoids of Xyltolip (or whatever) and THEN reveals his next assignment is Earth, you've got a {i]chilling twist since now the readers can imagine they are next.

Another reason to change the ending is that throughout most readers will likely assume he IS on earth. If Maya reveals he's not, then there's a release of implied tension to go with the explicit tension of whether she'll be impressed. But then the twist that Earth is next becomes, properly delivered, a genuine goose-bump-inducing surprise.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, with one tiny wobble in point-of-view. see the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This is pretty sparse. Admittedly, the 1000 word limit constrains what you can do, but you could show the destruction and death by describing what he's walking through before he meets Maya. I think that would be stronger than telling the readers abstractly about it.

                                                             
Characters
The narrator is nicely ghastly. Good work!

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed reading this story. It showed a lot of imagination and featured a perfectly despicable, heartless villain as the POV character. Thanks for sharing, and please do keep on writing!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
It's been eight months since the stock markets crashed,My Comment: In this paragraph the author intrudes to tell the reader stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but it still interrupts the here-and-now of unfolding events in the story. It would be stronger if you could embed this in, for example, a description of the scene, or some action the narrator is taking.

Hearing the crackling beneath my feet, she turns carrying the widest smile.My Comment: This is a point-of-view violation since it hops from the first-person narrator's head to Maya's since we learn what she heard.

“Yes you did,” she turns again to the amazing view. My Comment: You haven't really described the view, just suggested what it might be.

“Hundred percent clearance, or at least it will be by the morning, there are a few down there yet to perish.” My Comment: Comma splice.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .