Breach,

This looks like a pretty good start to a fantasy story. Everything is in place here: a sympathetic protagonist, a complex and intriguing plot, a descriptive setting, and a lot of good action to go with it. Here are my thoughts:

Plot:

This being the first chapter, I don’t expect a complete story. You introduce a lot here in a few paragraphs, enough for a whole book. I wonder if you might have revealed too much. In any case, I can see many places for you to take this story. Will you eventually reveal how everybody keeps finding Branston? It seems that he is not very good at hiding.

Characters:

Good job with the characters. You bring them to life. I could feel what Branston was feeling as he went through what he did. Since plot and character development go hand-in-hand, I would expect to learn more about Faldashir in the future, but not too quickly, as it would ruin some of the mystery if that’s a priority. Will we once again meet the rider who disappeared? I did find your description of Branston’s appearance to be a bit pedestrian: “blond beard” and “brown clothes.” You did a good job bringing him to life through his actions and speech, but perhaps you could have found a way to connect the reader to him through more colorful descriptions? What do you want the reader to feel when they visualize the character?

Setting/atmosphere:
A too-neglected aspect of storytelling, but no problem here. I could almost feel the chill from the winter air. I would just say don’t neglect the setting in future chapters. You are writing fantasy here, which involves world-building after all, so creating and maintaining your setting is critical.

Dialog:
Do issues here. The dialog felt natural, like people really speak.

Grammar:
I found very few errors.

"They don't seem like regular wolves, neither." His neighbor had said.
Should be:
“They don’t seem like regular wolves, neither,” his neighbor had said.

“He didn't think he could outrun the man, already he heard the man's feet hitting the ice.”
Run-on sentence.

"Never show the dragons," His father had said…
Be careful with this:
“Never show the dragons,” his father had said…

“"Krassos didn't send me," The man was panting.”
“Panting” doesn’t work well as an attribution word this way. When in doubt, you can’t go wrong with “said.” I also noticed that you used “growled” twice in a row, earlier. Unless you are talking about an animal, I would suggest using such attributors sparingly.

“Branston thought a moment, at the very least he could get off the ice.”
Another run-on sentence.

That’s all I have for this work. You definitely set the hook with this chapter, promising an exciting story for the reader in the future. I recommend looking into how you format this. Some sentences should be separated for the sake of clarity, and dialog should also be separated from other paragraphs. But you certainly know how to tell a story. Keep it up!

-Graham


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .