You have an interesting premise for a story but because it is so short, there is too much going on in a compressed period of time. A longer form would let you develop the location more, the characters more, and build some tension. At this point it is more like a vignette or a moment in time instead of a complete story.

Good luck in the contest!

Miss Mary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .