Hi there, TristenKozinski ! I just read "Invalid Item"  and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

Initial Reaction

I'm already intrigued by the coup Prince Surr is planning against the emperor. I'm also drawn in by your rich settings and characters. I'm excited to read more!

Plot

We already have a good idea of Prince Surr's overarching goal for this story, which is always a good sign. There's enough room left to wonder "why", which is the question that spurs the reader to turn the page and keep reading.

Character Development/Flow

I love how deep your characters are already! You spell out their personalities quite well through the eyes of Prince Surr, and we get a good taste of his own personality: rigid, noble, and impartial, but with a questionable story goal that leads us to wonder what might possibly make him want to kill his emperor.

I didn't feel rushed through the chapter--you gave enough time to let the reader get acquainted with your setting, the basics of your story world, and a few important characters, as well as introducing some core customs and values (the tithe, the guard's prejudice against the Chiary, the strict rules governing classes).

Grammar/Word Choice

There wasn't much here to comment on, except one word that stood out and made me trip a little. Surr sighed inwardly, 'So be it.' He reached inside himself and called fourth a box.

Just a misspelling. It should be "forth."

Technical Aspects

This has everything a good opening needs--a bit of introduction to the main characters and their personalities/goals, some grounding in the story world, a sense of conflict, and a prompting of the reader's curiosity.

Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

I really enjoyed this piece and I'm planning on coming back to read the second! Your story world and culture are so fascinating already. You've put in a lot of work on worldbuilding and character development, and it shows.

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work with the WDC Community!

Write On!

AlyCatAuthor

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .