Greetings Paul D

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 64 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
I was pulled in after the dream by the relationship of Volton and Berlyn. It seemed sweet and loving, until it's revealed that all is not what is seems.

What I Liked Best:
I liked fantasy novels that contain magic because they totally take you away from the here and now, and you managed to do that with this story.
WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Shows a perception of what the character is feeling.

Opening Paragraph:
Is of someone in a cold, dark place, but I don't know who at this point.

Plot:
Berlyn is working against Volton to destroy him for Yuela.

Character Development:
Your main characters are Volton and Berlyn. Volton doesn't suspect that he's sleeping with the enemy that enters his dreams and tries to hurt him. Both seem devoted to their abilities and causes.

Dialog:
The dialogue between Volton and Berlyn was sweet and worked well.

Spelling & Punctuation:

Grammar:
Her welcome- welcomed/welcoming perhaps voice pulled him from his fears.

Continuity:
The story moved in an order that made sense and I could follow.

Form:
I'm not sure about the backstory with Volton's brother. It pulled me out of the dynamic between him and Berlyn.

Clarity:
The plot is forming well and it's easy to grasp what's happening between the two main characters.

Hook:
The hook is someone trying to harm Volton, and him searching for the person entering his dreams. He vows to find out who they are and make them pay, having no idea that they are sleeping beside him.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
I think you have a lot to work with here. I feel there will be a conflict for Berlyn because I believe she may have feelings for Volton, though she doesn't recognize this right now and is intent on doing Yuela's bidding.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:

Rhythm & Meter:
Even though there were a lot of pov shifts, they did further the story and pulled me in as a reader.


CLOSING STATEMENT
I enjoyed this chapter and especially the conflict between your main characters who are in a relationship. Adding the elements of magic into the mix, and what each are capable of heightens the story.

Purple Holiday Givings






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .