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 Review #4258775 |
 | Kenna Kitada - Chapter 1  [13+] The first chapter of a mystery/thriller novel. Entry for the 2016 Chapter One Competition.  |
| (3.5)       A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Jeff: I am reviewing "Kenna Kitada - Chapter 1" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" Opener: Kenna Kitada is a gal who invests herself in whatever she is doing, 100 percent. In the opener, she is surfing as she does every morning for two solid hours just to practice because she enjoys it as her sport of choice. She's better than most and likes it that way, but she does it for self edification; not to impress anyone else. I find this admirable and likable. I also figure this interesting information about her sport and her personality is vital to the story about to unfold. I am drawn into what makes her tick, and I think, at this point, that it will be a third person limited POV, featuring Kenna. Plot: As I read on, however, I realized it is either a narrative with an Omniscient Narrator or there's a lot of head-hopping going on. I'm not yet sure where the POV will land. Roughly three quarters of this chapter are dedicated to telling us all about Kenna. Kenna's attitude. Kenna's apartment. The order in which Kenna follows her daily routine. Kenna has two cars and a small house that she likes a lot and paid a lot to own. She had an herb garden, but she didn't have good luck with it. The houses around hers are all oversized real estate gluttons. Kenna is meticulous and compulsive about her surroundings both at home and at the office. Kenna likes to wear jeans to work. She is a private Detective. She rents office space from a dentist whose former partner was his brother, now deceased. Kenna likes and gets a long well with her dentist landlord, Abe, and, during downtime at the office, he taught her how to play backgammon and she taught him how to Facebook. In the final quarter, Kenna goes to her office planning to arrive an hour early and prepare a file for her client, Mrs. Ingersoll. But Mrs. I is already there waiting. Kenna has been following this woman's husband, only to find out, and now share the results -- that are not what the woman had hoped to hear. Mrs. Ingersoll leaves, miffed at Kenna's morals, and Kenna bids her a good-day and a silent don't-let-the-door-hit-you adieu. There is no hook. Character Development: I feel you over produced Kenna. Most of the upper portion could have been revealed through dialog. I'd add a friend or counter part to bounce conversation off of. Thus revealing all the necessary key points, and then I'd add a hook of some kind at the end. Kenna has pissed off two, quite possibly three, people today. Perhaps at least one of them could throw at least a threatening glance at her? You head hop a bit into the male characters, the surfer newbie specifically, to showcase an attraction to Kenna. To keep it in her head, you could have her react to their glares or the bulge in their wet suite or pants. again, if there was a counterpart with whom she could bounce quippy remarks back and forth, it would help to move the story forward and introduce the same ideas and information. You're a screen writer, Jeff. You know how to develop characters through dialog. I think that is the main reason why I can't ignore this and let it slide. What you have for the most part, is a character sketch. Authors write these while building and crafting their character; for the author to know but the reader to find out. This, the first chapter is where I meet and develop affection for the main character/protagonist and learn something about of her dilemma/obstacle/trouble. Dialog: As expected, every bit of dialog you wrote is stellar. Give me more of it. Spelling Punctuation Grammar: I didn't see any issue, save one sentence I thought needed a little love. (See below) Oh! And I think I remember noting couple/three places where you suddenly slipped into simple present tense. (I do that too when ideas are hitting me faster than I can write them.) Hook: There wasn't one. But there were three clear and present opportunities to create one (or three). Structure:As I stated above, the story was description/telling heavy by a 3/1 ratio over story development and progression. All that said, I love your prose and the way you so diligently described every last detail about Kenna. As a character build, it rivals any I have ever seen. But as a first chapter, I am afraid it doesn't really work the way it is. SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions Kenna took a seat behind it and set the folder down she had carried in from the car. Maybe for clarity: Kenna took a seat behind it and set down the folder she had carried in from the car. Thank you for joining in the Competition. I do believe you have the foundation for a great story! You certainly have created an amazing character.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/15/2016 @ 1:21pm EDT