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 Review #4258683 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Rakkit: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" What I Liked Best:I rather liked Diablo, but I suspicion that was because for one brief shining moment, I had a sense of what was happening. Opener:You have a good opener, though it details nothing, it still leaves me with a question: What was it her dad had her looking for, or expected her to find? It was a soft hook, but certainly enough to set me on the forward path. I've met Aloisia, the presumed fmc and protagonist who's obsessed with the idea of "life" for some reason yet to be determined. Plot: I'm not really sure what is happening here or where it's actually going. You have a way with words and your prose is tight and engaging. I think but am not 100 percent sure, that there is a danger that typically comes from a certain source, but this time it's coming from another source, and the usual source of danger is, in fact, the source that is warning her about the new, possibly more dangerous source of danger. BUT, as with the opener, you are so vague with what is actually happening, it becomes annoying and I find I am not all that interested in moving forward to chapter two. Something new is in town, and it's powerful. Toby is Aloisia's brother, but we don't understand what his issue is. He tells her "Greg is watching," but who is Greg; and give me a reason to care that he, whoever he is, is watching. Kaiya is her friend? lover? both? What? Why are Aloisia and Toby keeping everything from their father? What is it they are keeping from him; what are they talking about? Why does she refer to people as humans? What is she? Well, I guess this tells me she is not human. But... Yes I have questions, but, no faith that any answers are forthcoming. Have you ever gone out with a group of friends who were having a conversation so esoteric you felt like you were not part of the evening, and wondered why they invited you? That is how I felt reading this chapter. You and the characters know exactly what is going on, but you're intentionally, or rudely, keeping me in the dark. Character Development: In any story, the protagonist needs to have clear goals. I think she has goals, or at least a goal, or -- will at some point, but I have no idea what it is, or they are, or what they are maybe going to be. Dialog: I know who is speaking {}most of the time, but it doesn't matter because, again, I have no idea what they're talking about or what the actual issue is. Spelling Punctuation Grammar (SPG): I noticed no issues. Continuity: Not knowing what the story is, I can't say if it is presented in a sensible order. I can say the conversation, esoteric though it was, seemed to be in a reasonable order. There were a few places where dialog exposition was out of order, but other than that, it seemed to flow in one direction. Clarity: I understood what I was reading. But not what it was saying. Hook: Hooks vary in degrees. There were no story hooks that grabbed me. Suggestions for Improvement: My biggest suggestion is simply give the reader some thing to grab on to. As I stated earlier, It was like being out with friends who all knew something I didn't know, and no one was extending me the courtesy of cluing me in. You even go as far as including several exchanges in Spanish, without adding translation or indication of what was being said - save one. CsA
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