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 Review #4258300 |
 | Sylvester & Tuette: Cursed Doubt - Ch. 1  [13+] Sylvester, a king, must save his kingdom. Tuette is Cursed and wants to save herself.  |
| (3.0)| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Than Pence I am reviewing "Sylvester & Tuette: Cursed Doubt - Ch. 1" today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 18! OVERALL IMPRESSION This pieces, especially as a first chapter, was too fragmented and left me with too many questions. You have some very interesting ideas that could make this a very good piece, but right now there's not enough in each section. It almost feels like a tease, and I don't want a tease--I want reward. I would suggest sticking to one character's POV for the chapter and fleshing his story out better to add depth and clarity to your characters and plot. What I Liked Best: The Curses! The entire concept of magic in this world seems intriguing. I had to laugh at a kingdom with no thumbs. And Tuette's curse...OMG. It feels a bit like you're making fun of the concept, which I enjoyed. WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence & Paragraph: It has potential, real potential. You're dropping your reader into a pulse pounding, sweat inducing nightmare. But as is--its just not clear to me what's happening. While dreams, especially nightmares are confusing, your story should not be. I would revise with an eye to details and imagery. Paint me a picture so vivid and clear that I can see it in my mind's eye. Plot: I admit I'm not completely clear on what the plot will be. You have a King trying to save his people's thumbs. And a girl who's trying to save herself from a curse already put upon her. They both need the same potion. I don't really see the problem because I don't know enough about this world. I have no idea why she can't tell her boss, why the potion is so hard to make, why she was carrying it around and hadn't used it in the first place. The plot needs to be fleshed out because right now I'm confused and that keeps me from being invested. Character Development: You tried to put too much into this, and because of that, there's not enough character development. The King and Tuette are flat in my opinion. I have no idea WHY the King is having nightmares. I get that his stone doesn't work like it should, but that doesn't prevent him from ruling--just from making the same mistakes. Was he the first who's stone didn't work? Dialog: Dialog was fine and flowed well. Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: I didn't spot anything that stood out, but this isn't my strong suit. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Continuity: Your chapter bounced around too much, which made it hard from me to follow and feel invested. I would almost like to see what it looks like to have a chapter that's just King Sylvester, introduce Tuette in her own chapter. Form: Again, you tried to put too much in which ended up giving not enough. Focus on one idea, one problem in the chapter. King Sylvester and his threatened thumbs. Expand on that. Tell me more about the threat, the magic. Take a step back and look at it as a reader who's unfamiliar with the story, which is hard I know, and explain and expand on anything that isn't clear. Clarity: I'm fairly lost on the specifics. Is the king's stone thing in the skin? Was he born with it? What did Tuette do to get cursed? I have more questions than answers in this first. Hook: You definitely have hooks! They're just a little muddled down in the confusion. This feels like a very unique take on magic and curses to me and the demon through the smoke was very interesting. This has potential! I feel like you just need to take what you have and ADD TO IT. CLOSING STATEMENT I'm sorry that this review feels, to me anyway, more negative than positive. I do think you have great potential here. It's a unique spin, and you don't see many of those anymore, it just needs clarity. Slow down in your pacing and really flesh out the ideas. I would add more than you think you need, cutting if it does end up being too much is much easier than rewrites. I did like this idea enough that if you want, if you revise, I'd be happy to come back and take another look! You could really have something here with a little elbow grease! 
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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