Greetings CheerFairy Dutchessbarbie.

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 9 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
It is hard to follow. What is going on and where are they? I didn't realize they were in a car until paragraph #8

What I Liked Best:


WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Good job telling me what's happening and who your characters are.

Opening Paragraph:
Sets up a lot of questions.

Plot:
Sam and Seth are trying to keep Toncanema safe I believe

Character Development:
I'm not sure who your main character is, or what roles Sam and Seth play and why.

Dialog:
Needs work. Sentences are long and confusing.

Spelling & Punctuation:
Samanthacommawith tears still in her eyes turned to her elder brother wondering if they were doing the right thing, period instead of comma

“Seth, we should have at least explained why she could not attend Marcus’ funeral. I know you trust those other attendees with your lifecomma but can we really...”

“The first time was when he brought me a very hurt and frightened toddler. I was only told to not ask but to just keep the silver eyed two year old safe.” Samantha smiled as the memory of how she had come to consider the toddler as her grandchild. “The last time was after Marcus had come five years ago. My brother had realized that the boy had learned the truth. I learned some of why it is better Tocanema is kept in the dark that night. Tonight, I pray Seth will choose to reveal why he left a life behind thirteen years ago.” She glanced at her silver eyed brother then guiding him to a government car, “And why only now you choose to notify these strange dressed friends from your past? Hopefully now my dear brother you will understand that I too feel I failed. Only difference is I had no clue as to who or what I was keeping her safe from. Now I won’t rest until you tell me and why you feel you are responsible. Tonight we will talk as I swore to never see fear in her eyes again. I know somehow Tocanema Tia Spellman as Tia is called now knows Marcus did not die of a heart attack as was reported. Whatever gave her that insight also caused her eyes to show the same look I now see in yours.”this section needs to be changed. Only use quotes when someone is talking. Who is Sam speaking with that it needs quotes? If it's the reader, take them out. If this is a flashback, it needs more information. Where are they? It's confusing.

The headmaster understands and has agreed

Samantha heard Seth closed the door as he said,

These links may be helpful to you.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Grammar:
The matron of St. Francis Orphanage asked her sixty-five year old brother as she saw the letter in his hand, “Is he wanting custody?” --
"Is he wanting custody?" The matron of St. Francis Orphanage asked her sixty-five year old brother. Sam noticed the letter in her hand.--for the sake of flow, switching this around makes it read smoother

Marcus’ assassination had madeput his sister’s return to her birthright on hold.”

Continuity:
Flashback/backstory didn't work for me. If you want to keep the backstory it needs to be shown-perhaps a triggered memory without the quotes in conversation as if it were happening at that moment in the story.

{{u}Form:
This needs work.
http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/how-to-weave-backstory-seamlessly-int...

Clarity:
I'm not sure about what is going on. You have the information, but it's not clear and is confusing.

Hook:
Marcus' funeral and trying to figure out who killed him.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
The story isn't clear and the changes in point of view didn't work. The backstory is confusing and felt more like an information dump that was jarring to read.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
You will need to work on this to make sure the major points of your story come across in a clear manner.

Rhythm & Meter:
It is a bit jarring, no steady flow throughout the chapter.

CLOSING STATEMENT
If you keep this in Samantha's point of view it would work better since she appears to be the one telling the story. Mystery/Suspense needs to be clear and focused. You have enough information about the situation within the chapter to be able to put it together so that it pulls the reader into the story.

Purple Holiday Princess