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 Review #4257907 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings r.e.jones I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Mary Stillwaters returns to her house she shares with two other American Indian girls. She has graduated and it the last day on campus. She needed to pack and be ready to leave. When she arrives she looks through the mail and finds a strange envelope which hold another envelope. The message is very cryptic. She decides she would have to ask her Granddad about it when she returned home. Hook: The hook of having Homeland Security watching Mary is a good one. The reader now wants to know why. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Your main character is immediately introduce which allows the reader to identify with her. I think I would divide the paragraph up though, where she starts to think about sending the skunk, which gave me a chuckle. Characters Development: Mary Stillwaters - main character Winona - one of her roommates Wanita. - Mary's best friend who lives in Florida Dialogue: Punctuation and Structure: The path cut through the yard of the boy's house who were was ‘Two-Spirits’ and passed (I’m settled in at my new job at SeaWorld and I love it. This is the best unless you’re a veterinarian. My supervisor said I was a natural and I’m already working alone with the dolphins, but I have to be careful to not cross the line. You know how risky things can be sometimes. There’s another opening, it’s not in journalism, but you might like it better. Let me know soon, as it won’t stay open very long.) Instead of putting what was in the letter in parentheses, I would break it into a new paragraph, put it in italics and start it with Dear Mary, or whatever her friend would call her. At this point start another paragraph with "The rest of the letter...) The rest of the letter ... she’d have granddad (caps on 'granddad' ) write ... (happens more than once) ‘Your thesis is good, but don’t stop there. You can make a difference for your people, there’s a lot more. It’s time to put it all together’; (italize words for letter) then the next few lines were in the old words. ... Closing Statement I became very intrigued when you started to show that Mary was talking and listening to the animals. I have only reviewed this entry to the point shown below, because I feel more than one Chapter has been posted. ... She would find another Story Teller besides Grandfather, there might be other versions; for now, she needed to get back to her packing, she carefully put the letter in her purse, then went into the bedroom and carefully looked around a curtain. The crow was right. She went into the bathroom; it’s makeup time again. A few minutes later she went in search of another empty box. END OF CHAPTER A brown Air Express box truck sat at the far end of the ‘24 hour market’ parking lot with its engine idling, a few blocks from the university and only two houses over from Mary Stillwaters house across the street. Patricia looked out the side window of the van. ... I have based my decision on the follow information. ( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... ) BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT. Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example: END OF ONE CHAPTER: He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER: Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky … A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings. I enjoyed your submission. Giving the whole story an American Indian backdrop helps to add to the mystery. Thank you for submitting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/09/2016 @ 12:23pm EDT