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 Review #4257898 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Shadowhawke I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Sarah is a survivor. She is roaming around the ruins of a city, returning home after visiting the trading post. She is attacked and barely survives. Hook: The description of the city Sarah is walking through, draws the reader in, so they can get answers on why she is there Opening Sentence and Paragraph: You might use your second paragraph as an introduction to the first... Example: "Sarah was passing through Lord Toran's claimed territory. She stepped lightly..." It would make the sentence less of a thought dangling on its own. Over all the paragraph is good. You introduced your main character immediately, which is always a plus. Characters Development: Sarah Several men in what I am picturing as Medieval mercenary armor. Dialogue: There is not a lot of dialogue but what you do print is crisp and well done. Punctuation and Structure: She (I would use Sarah's name here to introduce her and give the reader an immediate tie to the girl) stepped lightly.... .... just adding a touch of green to the graying concrete. The man, a jirundian (cap name) human by appearance, ... ... jeans and a shirt it seemed. (remove "... it seemed"; not needed) She knew the remove "the") within an hour twilight would over take any daylight she had left. Though she also remembered the beaten beating the other guards ... Closing Statement You have a very good knack for describing a scene. You have been able to do it without using a lot of "flower" over descriptive words, which so many people feel the need to do thinking it adds strength to their writing. I have stopped reviewing this point before the end of your submission because I feel you have started a new chapter. I have posted by reasons below. As the lead man moved to a distance he considered safe from her, he lifted his hand signaling the others to halt. His smile always seemed fake to her as she nodded at him with a slight grin as she noted the scar he still had on his face from their very first encounter nearly two years ago. Though she also remembered the beaten beating the other guards gave her for her lashing out at him. His desire to keep his distance from her reinforced the notion that even with his men he still considered her a threat. END OF CHAPTER The man was always unsure how to deal with her, "So how is the princess and her kingdom this week? You seem to be looking sicker than normal, are you in need of any medical assistance?" ( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... ) BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT. Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example: END OF ONE CHAPTER: He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER: Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky … A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings. I enjoyed the beginning of your story. You have nicely left yourself many possibilities on where the story can go. Good job. Thank you for posting. Starling
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