Greetings Jenn of House Greyjoy.

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 94 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

1st I will point out any typos or misspellings.

P2 the Crowned Prince Matrim, as a playmate.

the comma is not needed.


P30 “I doubt you are as anxious as, Gwen.”

The comma is not needed.


P36 Just as he poke Alistair

spoke? comma after word

When Jarrod stood and stepped back, Matrim

add comma

P50 and would bate him to make

I just want to be certain what you mean here. Bate is to moderate or restrain:

However bait would be to worry, torment, or persecute

I guess either one could work, but from my perspective, bait makes more sense.

I have always enjoyed stories centered on magical creatures and enchantments. In that respect I am privileged to read your tale.
It seems your protagonist is Gwen Maneherder. Having the star of the tale so young is different, and in that way separates your tale from other stories of this type.
Star-Crossed in Time captured my attention from the start and held it through to the end. I am somewhat curious about the title, the "in Time" part makes me wonder if perhaps later on in the story time travel is involved. An enchantress traveling through time will be original.

Your opening paragraph lets the reader know this story does not take place on Earth, gives the first impression of Gwen, and gives knowledge Gwen is part of the upper echelon of her society. This is a day of testing for the young girl. I am under the impression her place in her society depends somewhat on the outcome of the test. There are a few more paragraphs explaining more about Gwen and the people involved in her life. I find Gwen a little mischievous. She used a spell to visit the Crown Prince during the night through the hidden passageway and never found out my either her parents or the King. I am under the impression there is only innocent play and conversation between her and Prince Matrim, but years from now when they are older, there may be much more happen. Whether this happens or not make me eager to read more of your work to find out.

The results of the test show Gwen has mastery over all five elements of life. This indicates she can become an Arch Mage. I cannot say for certain yet, but I have the impression an Arch Mage is the most powerful of the enchantresses.

Another character is introduced at this point by a discussion between Morgan and Evelyn, Empress Demona Blackreaver of Reaven. The base of her name, Demon, hints this might not be a good person and Morgan's statement that Demona will not train Gwen confirms it.

I see the plot of this tale being Gwen's training to become the next Arch Mage. I as certain that soon enough, Gwen and Demona will come together, and I see many trouble because of this for Gwen.

You went into detailed description of all your characters and I have a clear view of each of them in my mind. I believe each entity introduced will have an important part to play in your story. Gwen's goal, though she is unaware of it yet, it to become the next Arch Mage. I see Prince Matrim soon deciding that Gwen will be his queen when he takes the throne. However Taurus (what a great name for a Minotaur) might have his own ideas about Gwen's future. Demona will in someway want to stop Gwen.
Now all of this is speculation. To me, that shows you have done a great job of having the reader want to continue the story. I am curious to know if I am correct in the way I see the novel progressing, or will the story take a different path?

Your chapter one lays a good framework for the rest of the novel.

I look forward with great anticipation to reading more of Star-Crossed in Time as you make it available.

Happy writing,
John










My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .