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 Review #4257247 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings {huser:Quiltingmama } I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: A young woman returns to the town she grew up in and is visiting her mother's grave. She is accosted by her step-brother who's actions originally sent her away ten years prior to this. Dexie is saved from Brent Harrington, buy someone she knew in high school who is now a Deputy Sheriff in Peace, Montana. She presses charges. Hook: You start off with a decent hook, making the reader want to know why Dexie is sitting on a grave and then you proceed to build the hook with your harsh introduction of Brent and then adding the "knight in shining armor" with Draven. By the way, I love that name. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: First paragraph allows the reader to start asking questions they will want answered. As I suggested below, I would give a name in the first paragraph, even if it is just "Dexie rolled her eyes....." Characters Development: You were able to introduce all three of your main characters in the first chapter. This is not always easy to do. Congradulation. Dexie MacBride - protagonist Draven Palmer - protagonist Brent Harrington -Antagonist Dialogue: I had no problem telling who was talking, by just the words you had the characters using. Punctuation and Structure: She (I would give some sort of name here; maybe just a first name) rolled her eyes, knowing... The salaciousness (Great use of the word) that oozed from his voice made her shudder. Closing Statement I have ended my review at the following place, because I feel this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. “I’ll get you for this, Dexie,” Brent promised menacingly. Dexie glared icily at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a verbal response as she followed Dray toward the edge of the cemetery. END OF CHAPTER “Dexie, I’d like to document your injuries,” Dray murmured after taking Dexie’s written statement. Between the thirty-five minute drive to Columbus where the Stillwater County Sheriff’s Office was located and the time it had taken to give her statement, she was exhausted. The adrenaline that had gotten her back to Peace and through her confrontation with Brent had begun to abandon her and she craved a quiet haven to just breathe. Please see the below information on how I determined this. ( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... ) BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT. Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example: END OF ONE CHAPTER: He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER: Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky … A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. I would love to know more about Dexie and Draven. Thank you for submitting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/28/2016 @ 6:48pm EDT