Greetings dimbutlucky

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


OVERALL IMPRESSION
WHAT WORKED
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
OPENING PARAGRAPH
PLOT

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I like the way you tell the story through dialogue. This really brings the scene and chapter to life. I enjoyed the way it was written as well and loved the way you introduced your characters without overloading the reader with useless information.

WHAT WORKED

The easy way the characters fitted in with each other worked very well and all the characters felt they belonged. There was no character who I felt shouldn't be there.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

In my opinion, a bit more emotional banter would be nice. Also, a few places like the death scene where steve dies could have been shown and not told. For example, instead of just telling us he died, show us he died. 'As he closed his eyes, the color drained from his face and his head fell to one side...' Something like that.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

The opening paragraph didn't grab me as much as I would have liked. Maybe, just a suggestion, some dialogue would help. For example... 'The sky lit up as airships descended...' or '"What the hell...," a group of teenagers yelled in unison as the sky exploded.'

PLOT

This plot is a bit like the war of the world meets the walking dead. Aliens invade and the army is called.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

Invalid Review