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 Review #4256828 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings dimbutlucky: I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH #16 Wakely looked up from the photographs. “What do you make of these?” He asked, pushing the pictures over to Cosgrove. "Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC" OVERALL IMPRESSION Wow! You have quite an array of characters for a first chapter.  WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The openers needs to pull the reader into the story and should hint at what kind of story this will be. Drawing the reader into the point of view (POV) character's head is, arguably, the single most critical step in an opening sentence/paragraph. It should introduce the main character (MC) and conclude with a hook. Doesn't matter if it's large or small, but should afford a reason to read on. The barren red landscape stretched out from the deep dark canyons to the dry arid tablelands. Inhospitable for many eons, the airless alien world was all but devoid of life. But, the hushed decaying land was about to be rent asunder by a creature who had not walked on it in all that time; man! This reads more like an Introdruction than a Chapter One opening paragraph. To be honest, I feel that it doesn't stand up to the burden or the responsibility of an opener. My suggestion, therefore, is that you consider revising. As a reader, I appreciate the value of staging, but at the start, I want someone to care about and follow through the story. At first, as I read, I thought Wakeley was going to be the Main Character and protagonist, but I later learned it's far more likely to be 28-year-old Clementine Cosgrove, who is not introduced until the eighth paragraph. That's a lot of expositional, scene-setting reading I need to do before I meet my story hostess. Plot: I got a handle on where this story may be going, but not until I was very near the end. Thank of it like this. I live near NYC and Broadway. At least once every six weeks or so, I cross the Hudson to see a play. Theater is my tardis. When I walk into the theater and take my seat, the lights dim -- and whoosh! I'm off to galaxies and time travel unknown. Within seconds I'm on my way. Oh, wait. Not yet. The Director has taken the stage. He's held up the show so he can explain to us, the audience, just exactly who each character is and why they are the way they are. He also wants us to know, in great detail, how he managed to set up the stage so it appears to seamlessly change from one moment in the play to another. He then goes on to reveal little bits about each character's back story. I look at my watch; soon I will have to leave. He takes his bows and allows the play to start. . . just as it is time for me to leave. But I did get a good idea of the story he was about to show me. And I do think it is about to get good . . . but I can't know, because, for me, this show is over. What am I trying to say? I believe you do have a talent for writing and for story telling. Further, your story, once it gets going, is going to be quite good. But this first chapter ping-pongs from present to past and back again several times. It flies to several locations of the galaxy, and races to new parts of this planet several times before I meet the main character and am allowed a guess at what and how her problem is going to be revealed and, hopefully, solved. But I'm not 100 percent sure, because there have already been several phantom problems and issues and possible antagonistic characters to muddle the field. Thus far there is no indication of how she is going to handle them. Her disregard for authority and her lack of concern for protocol do not encourage me to have any faith at all in her intelligence or demeanor or ability to think on her feet, and they don't make her an endearing character. Just stating she is an officer, is not sufficient information to bring forth faith and affection on my part. And here's the rub. I completely understand why everything you have included in this chapter is here. I had a lot of the same kinds of things in my first hundred drafts of my novel. My BLESSED reviewers (the ones who oft times made me wonder why I was ever born) forced me to revise and revise and revise until I took all that back story, why-my-characters-do-what-they-do stuff out. That stuff is only for the author to know and to reveal it through the characters actions and speech. So my best, my very best heartfelt advice today can only be: the you, too, must revise. Consider bringing the MC, Clementine, up to the opener and then introduce all the characters using dialog more than exposition to show the reader who they are and what their relationships are to one another. {Example: don't tell me she's a First Lieutenant; have one off the others address her that way. Maybe when she leaves, they, through dialog, reveal she's 28 and ginger-haired. Don't tell me she dislikes Wakeley; have her mock him to one of the others and carry-on about how he's always making demands. well this time he can just wait.) It's perfectly fine to have more than one scene in a chapter, and you did a find job of making it clear we had moved from one location to another, but again, show me a little more. Don't tell me there are stars: have the characters talk about the one shooting through the sky. I enjoyed the TV/movie references, by the way; they did add a light-hearted flair. But again, do it through dialog. The tardis reference, clever though it is, can't hold a candle to the "Where's Bruce Willis when you need him?" remark. The tardis reference gave me a chuckle, but through the Bruce Willis reference, I felt that terrifying nervous humor the character was feeling. A lot of characters lose their lives in this chapter. I need to feel something for them. A simple two sentences of dialog could allow as to how one is engaged to his sweetheart and the other is about to see his oldest off to college. (Yes, these are two cliched ideas, but you get what I am saying.) Even if they talk about their hobbies or how much they miss earth, give me something to grab on to and BOOM I have affection for them. Now when the creatures show up, I care. I'm scared for those two guys. I want them to make it through this encounter. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your chapter one. I know I had a lot to say, but it's because I see the foundation for a great story, and I want it fleshed out and given wings. I'm more than happy to discuss this further, should yo be so inclined, and I will be honored to re-review if you decide to revise. Wishing you the very best of luck with it. Sincerely,   This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/08/2016 @ 4:53pm EDT