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 Review #4256691 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings b-t I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Cynthia is running is escaping from a prison camp. Friends are helping her. Hook: I would say the opening "pledge" is your main hook. You have also peppered many other hooks throughout the chapter. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Excellent job on the opening paragraph. I think I would put the "pledge" into italics as sort of an opening statement. Characters Development: Cynthia Moss changed to Cyn Blackwood - you have made it possible to like Cyn Theodore - you did a great job on letting us know Theo is a good man. James - go-between Hilda - I love the way you have given Hilda her "own voice" Dialogue: It is not difficult to tell who is talking, and this is a major plus to your chapter. Hilda's voice is especially good. You mentioned that Cyn should not let her accent slip, but you don't touch on what the difference is between the way she is talking to James and Hilda and the way she would have talked before she was "captured". Punctuation and Structure: At the cusp of nighttime people still maneuvered the streets (need period) Every second ticked away at her hour glass, but then she was useless, unable to fight back, now she could, and she was terrified (need period) Closing Statement Excellent chapter. I was pulled in immediately and you did not let up in carrying me along with the story. Thank you for submitting. Starling
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