Greetings nevercease

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !

THINGS I LIKE
YOUR WRITING
(MISTAKES AND CORRECTIONS
TIPS

OVERALL IMPRESSION

The pace was too slow and, although I liked the hook at the beginning, the end hook was weak and didn't really entice me to seek out the book. I liked the plot and it was well written, though. I did find it slightly boring as not a lot seemed to happen. The hook at the start hooked me on the line but I wriggled off the hook half way through. There were too many similes and metaphors throughout the chapter and I never got the feel of the chapter as this made it hard to read. The story was clear and precise and I was able to follow the plot.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DIALOGUE

This was realistic dialogue if a bit slow in its pace and nothing really happened. The chapter needed more action to make the reader interact with the characters and there was very little development in the chapter in my opinion.

SUGGESTIONS

1) I think try to refrain from using too many similes. It confuses the reader if something is like something and then in the next sentence it is like something else. It also makes it hard to read. For example... 'The mare roared up the road (like an approaching storm.) Hunched over the animal’s neck, the woman’s dark cloak swirled behind her like a (trailing tempest.) The (thundering of hooves) against cobblestone clattered vibrations up her spine. I would write... (her mane swished from left to right in the wind) (tempests trail.) (hooves thundered)

2)Try to refrain from using too many 'ing' ending words as they tend to tell a story rather than show it. For example... 'The stable boy sprinted across the lawn (up ahead, dodging potted plants and manicured bushes.) She yanked back on the reins and the horse stuttered to an abrupt halt in the dirt just as he reached her. The horse snorted, (sides pumping) as it sucked in more air and flung foam off its lips. The boy looked in much of the same state. I would write... (She pulled the reigns to the left as she dodged a potted plant and kicked him in the sides as she soared over a gooseberry bush...) (and its sides heaved)

She swooshed by without a glance, her cloak (catching him at the ankles like an uncoiling snake.) (caught him and coiled around his ankles like a snake.)/c}

3) Try not to use words like 'had' and 'was' as publishers tend to frown upon them also because they are passive words. For example...'Two men (had) competed for the State Head with her. The background check on the one revealed he had a criminal record. The second was leading the election by a large margin until authorities discovered he was born in Luthsinia. By state code, you have to be born in Blindvar to hold the State Head. (delete as not necessary)

4) Try not to use the same words too close together as this makes the chapter feel jerky. For example...'His eyes, (too round and too close) to his nose, swept over the other members of the room, who all nodded. (too round and close)

FINAL THOUGHTS

The storyline is good and with a bit of work I can see the chapter coming alive. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing.

NAME: DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .